The true meaning behind your work

I work in a crowded lab. Seriously, we are probably the biggest research group in the department, and we only have one faculty member. Thus, my advisor turns out to be a very busy person. However, he does make sure to spend a good amount of time with each of us, and encourages us to share some of the advice he gives us to other people in the group. (I guess that’s the way in which he manages to save sometime not having to repeat the same story over and over again).

This sort of dynamic makes us a very unique group: We share a lot and have very good friendships among all of us.  

The other day, one of the most senior students was telling us about one of his discussions with our advisor, regarding someone from another university that had seek some help from our research group a couple of months back: let’s call him John. Turns out John is about to graduate with his Ph.D. this Fall, and seems to be very grateful for the help we gave him by allowing him to use some of our resources for his dissertation work. This is pretty awesome. However, the discussion between my advisor and my friend was about the amount of work that went into John’s dissertation, and the importance of his contribution to the field. Turns out, John’s work, while interesting and meaningful, is far less that what we would consider acceptable even for a previous work section of a dissertation proposal, less so, for an actual dissertation. 

So, my friend, who is probably graduating this Fall as well, came to my advisor just concerned about how there is a lot of variation between research groups, and between universities, in terms of how much work is required for you to get your doctoral degree. What my advisor said about it was really impressive, to me at least. He said he knows that he really pushes into doing lots of work, and that having him as an advisor is not easy at all. He said, that he just does that because he believes that when you go out there, to the “real” world, your work’s got to speak for you, and the fact that you went through this graduate experience in this research group in particular is going to mean something. He said that the day that he allows work like John’s to be considered enough for a dissertation, that will cheapen the experience for all of us, and that is not fair. 

True, we do complain about the amount of work and the stress that we have to go through to survive our own graduate school experience. However, what my advisor said reminded me that, in the end, people are going to look at my work and know that it actually means more than whatever degree I get for it. Or at least that’s what I want to believe.

≈ Diego ≈

Let's make a toast: "to the future!"

It's been a while since I've felt this way...

It's not every day that you realize that everything you've been looking for was just there all the time and you just weren't able to see it. It's not every day that the woman you had a crush on, suddenly demonstrates she's felt the same way from time to time.... It's not every day that you blink and suddenly find yourself living in (sort of) a romantic comedy.

It all started about two weeks ago.... spontaneous... as the best things in life usually are... I happened to be home, and she extended an invitation for ice cream for me and my guests... the evening was incredible and ended up in a long hug, just outside my house. It was a perfect moment by itself, just the night of my beautiful country, me and her... my closest friend.

I got lost in her eyes, as I tried to figure out what was on her mind... she had a confession to make, but she didn't really need to put it into words... I could feel it.... we knew it wasn't smart.... that, she did say.... but we couldn't help it... I softly passed my nose across her cheek.... just barely let the tips of our noses meet.... and for a second we both doubted again... but the second was over, and the kiss was imminent.... it wasn't the first time, but it certainly felt as if it were... it was amazing and it had it all... the expectation, the desire, the caring... it was all there... a new chapter had just started for us....

At first, we just wanted to play it cool, not thinking too far ahead... stay in the moment, enjoy it. Don't let it spoil the friendship that we had rebuilt after previous failures in the same department... not let it spoil the amazing friendship that we have.... but this time was different... for both of us... it went slow, but we found time to see each other again, and again, and again. Each day taking it as a first date, each kiss being like a first kiss... each kiss better than the last... each hug more real... each look more melancholic.... until it was impossible to ignore what was coming ahead... it was impossible to push aside the fact that I live in another country... it was impossible to not realize that it could not be... not just yet...

We refused to see it though. We couldn't see it end as I went back to where I live... (Even if that place will never feel like home)..... We gave each other some time to think, consider if long distance was an even an option, if it was worth it... of course it was... but no, it couldn't be... she made the decision, but I'm sure I would have come to my senses soon enough had she not.... but it wasn't a "goodbye"... no.... moments like that are difficult to forget... people like her are difficult to find.... feelings like that are unique.... this was much more of a "see you later".... this was a turning point in our friendship.... one that gave us perspective of what it could be like... how amazing it can become... how crazy we were for not understanding what was always there.... and yeah.... we'll continue to be just friends... even if we know 'just friends' doesn't really cut it.... even if we know it's not exactly enough.... but it will have to do for now.... now, we know how amazing our future can be if we manage to save these feelings we have right now.... I know I'll hold them dearly... keep them safe.... I hope she does the same... and for now, I can only hold my glass up high, and say: "to the future!", while I do my best to get there as soon as I can.

Now it's time to go back to reality, back to my grad work.... lots of stuff to do... lots of stuff to think...

≈Hopeful≈

Omega Male

A few nights ago, some friends invited me dancing. The club we were going to was supposed to be playing salsa music that night, but that turned out to be more of a techno/electronic music mixed with some reggaeton.... (which I am completely comfortable with, even when it's not exactly my scene).

While dancing, I noticed how easily I ended up being out of the dancing circle.... I was rarely in the circle for more than a minute or two, couple of people moved, and suddenly i was just behind someone as the circle closed in front of me. It would take a while for someone to notice I was being left out, and that person would usually try to open up the circle... make space for me, but not long later the same thing would happen.

I was okay with this. But why?? shouldn't it bother me? shouldn't I want to feel as an important part of the group?

My first answer to these questions was that after my experiences as a reject for most of my school days, not being an "important" part of the group is just what I am used to. However, my college life as an undergrad was pretty awesome, people were a lot more like me, and I was part of that group everyone wanted to be a part of (if they didn't, then it was just their loss). You would think that after such amazing experiences, this situation might bother me... no, this wasn't a good answer...

Then, I started thinking what is my role in this group. How am I part of it? simple: I am the outlier: the Costa Rican (or the not-"american"), the grad student (the Ph.D. student on top of that), the shy one, the one with the worst English, the fat one (yeah working on that, but still), and many more. Sure, there are other hispanics (but almost everyone was born in the US), there are a couple that are not exactly in shape, but I seem to be the point that was far away from the mean in just every metric you could think of. Perhaps this being okay with the situation cam from this, just knowing I am the outlier and shaping my expectations around it. However, at the same time we share so much... we are all Catholic, and have shared so many amazing experiences in the last year. Yes, the truth is even when it might look as if I am an outsider, I DO feel part of the group. No, this one wasn't the best reasoning either.

Next, I thought, well why would I want to feel as an important part of the group? Do I really want to be the center of attention? Something inside me felt everyone wants to be in that position, specially men... our instinct wants us to be the Alpha male, the leader, the one that has a say on what we do next, the cool guy that is always in the circle.... but, do I really feel that way? Not really.... actually I hate that position, I couldn't be further away from that.... I started thinking more in detail about that, and finally decided well, maybe I am an Omega male.... I thought that sounded cool and wondered for a second if anyone had come up with that yet... This was a good answer, I decided to take a look at it when I got home. (Perhaps it would be a step to getting to understand myself better, and God knows I could use that...)

So, I googled it. Of course there were a LOT of results.. (and that was quite expected... I'm no pioneer in psychology or anything....) I looked through some of them...

The urban dictionary one topped the list. While, I understand the reasoning behind it, I don't really feel I am THAT omega male.... specially when it came down to the weird examples at the bottom... or the fact that the omega male "knows" he is "better" than the alpha males... no, that's not me....

Next, I checked the definition on wikipedia, knowing it was going to be to "factual", and probably wouldn't cut it for me... it certainly didn't, as I am certainly NOT "the lowest caste in social hierarchy".... (perhaps my self-esteem is indeed improving after all lol)

Then I checked this page which describes 5 signs to know if you are an omega male, and by that I think they meant a stereotypical loser/geek... not, not me :) I might be a geek indeed... but none of those 5 really represent me...

Suddenly, I realized there was even a Charlton Heston movie by the name the Omega Man, of course not sure what the movie is about, but I am pretty sure it won't be the definition I was looking for lol.... (I might watch it later and perhaps add my opinion...)

I checked many more.... but after a while, I realized that the definition I could relate to wasn't going to be there... it is most truly inside of me... and it's going to be a journey to define exactly what it means to feel like an "omega male", what it means to be "the opposite of an alpha male"... Sure, there are parts of that definition that I can easily define right now....

* It means NOT to be the center of attention....
* It means to feel okay being an outsider....
* It means to be way better on smaller groups, better at one on one conversations...

and I can also define points that come from other descriptions that are not what I mean...

* It doesn't mean I'm a pushover...
* It doesn't mean I'll be the last man standing...
* It doesn't mean I'll be happy being a reject again...
* It doesn't mean I'm a loner and will be happier working on my own....

I like the term, I think I'll stick with it, but the definition.... the definition needs to be my own... the one I still can't put into exact words, but I'm sure I'll understand it better as I continue in my journey...

≈The Omega Male≈

To call or not to call.... that's the question

It's been a while.... quick update on my life:

- Sometime after May 2008 the guy that introduced me to blogging stopped being my friend, so that's interesting....

- i'm now a Ph.D student at the University of Florida :) which is a great success; though it also means i no longer live in Costa Rica, which is kind of weird...

- i'm still single and very much unsuccessful love-wise.

- i'm doing my best to deepen my faith.

Now down to business:

I've had many love stories in my life, good ones, bad ones, platonic, imaginary, unreal.... all of them. However, there is always that person you always remember as been the perfect match for you. It's no secret who that person is for me, for anyone that knows me at least a little bit. A long time ago, we were together, and it was the best relationship I've ever been in; however, we were young and the relationship got too serious for us to handle, and it just didn't work out; and we decided we were better off just being friends. Getting there wasn't easy, but we did it [with our ups and downs for sure].

After that, we both dated other people, and the friendship got weird [at the very least for me]. About four years ago, she had a bad break up, and little after that it all started... I guess we were both confused, going through tough times, and we started blurring that line that defined our friendship. A silent deal was sealed. Something that we both would keep for ourselves. We still cared for each other very deeply, and we were both single, no harm was being done [or so we thought].

Every time, I started feeling something for someone else, I would talk to her, and break the deal. However, none of those relationships stuck, and soon after, we would go back to it.

The big game changer came later, about two years ago, when I was accepted for grad school; my life was about to change. What did that mean for us? Well, first of all: distance; perhaps enough of it to actually make me forget her. Second: new people in my life, which might include someone better for me than her [which sounds awful...]. Anyway, the deal.... was there until i left... then, i decided to leave all that behind; it was time to move on.

For a while, I thought all this was just ancient history, however, every visit to Costa Rica brought back the deal... no way around it... my feelings for her were still there, however, for the most part I only felt it was at best a good time for her, so every time I got back to the US, the determination to put it behind me resurfaced.

This all changed on my last visit. We had trouble finding time to hang out; but we did. We were in my house, just talking. She looked so beautiful, that i knew i was not going to be able to resist. I knew she was sort of dating someone, so I had to ask, "it's casual, nothing formal, and it's going nowhere" she said, we both knew what that really meant; but I couldn't kiss her without letting her know how I really felt for her, so I decided to just tell her. I looked straight into her eyes and said "You know that if I could chose from all women in the world, I would definitely choose you.. no doubts about it." and I kissed her, and for the first time in a long time, that kiss felt real.... She then looked at me, and asked "How much longer until you are definitely back?" and reality was back in...

Distance gave us perspective, helped us see how we felt, and yet, the same distance is the main reason why it won't work. Irony.

February 14.... Saint Valentine's Day.... a day when simple gestures actually become big statements.... I could go for one of those, just a simple call would mean soooo much.... however, what good would it make? it's still impossible... it will continue to be for the next 3 to 5 years.... no.... no good in calling... for one, she has her valentine, the relationship that was "going nowhere" is still going... he will never feel that way I do about her.... and she knows it.... but there's no point to it... and also, i'm starting to feel free again... i feel ready to start caring for someone else, and a call would also be a huge step back.... yes my sanity requires me NOT to call... and to move on....

Sad.... but true.

≈My sanity≈

Would they come back?

Dark times bring me to my desk again...

This pen in my fingers is eager to feel
that parchment where all my ideas rest...

How could it refrain from such desire?
How could I stop them?
This ink was intended for this sole purpose,
I can't stop what was meant to be....

Humiliation....Dark times, indeed...

My heart is bleeding...
for no reason.

I am dead inside,
and then I am still alive...

Life was sucked out from me.
Yesterday the hurricane came,
Happiness was not meant to be....
yet?
Maybe later.. not today...

Being happy wasn't that hard, back then.
I remember happiness...
Can the world go back in time?
Can my world go back in time?
Is it possible to act as if an important day,
just didn't happen at all?

I don't think so...
that's why I am dead,
that reaper came yesterday,
it took away my feelings,
but forgot my body,
it forgot to take away this pen...

≈Carcase≈

Ph.D. anxiety

i know i have much to do... but.... i can't stop thinking of the future... i want so badly to go for my Ph.D. i can't help it....

Reading some stuff on graduate school in my first-choice-university's site i found this

"Student X comes from famous school Y in country Z, where he was ranked 5th out of
4 over hundreds of thousands of students. He was also ranked #1 in his class for the year in terms of GPA. The student comes to graduate school expecting to be the best and starts working very hard on research. By the end of his first or second year, the student realizes that he has not yet published any papers. His friends and family from home start asking what’s wrong with him. He feels frustrated and ashamed. He blames his advisor, he blames his department, he blames his school. Finally, he grows up and accepts the fact that maybe he’s not the best, but he can still do well if he works hard. He starts listening better, works harder, and ends up quite successful. "

i wonder if this could be the story i haven't lived yet.....

I really hope it is....

Remembering old times...

I am used to looking backward every once in a while.

You know, that makes you meditate, you can compare a little bit of what was back then, and what it is today.

Have you accomplished something important? what is the way that your life is taking?

What new friends you've made, what old friends you've lost....

How your own, maybe insignificant, world has changed.

however.... today... i'm trying to do that... (vacation really helps my mood for doing such things)
what has happened in my life the past six months?

i guess academics go first.. they are good. i manage to fit my lowest expectations... even when i know i can do better, and i am looking forward to try next semester... I like CS every day more... i KNOW i'm on the right thing for me.... i guess that's good....

i also realized that my desire is to go futher than just the education i will get in my country... i'm now completely sure i want to do a ph.D. outside... i want to research... i want to learn everything that is possible.

now the really important things... i guess my faith is going badly these days, i remember that there was a time where i prayed a lot, i was living actively my faith, everyday i thanked God for what he has given me, i think that's not it any more... my faith has got to the point where i guess singing mass and going to the group are only part of a routine... i'll work in trying harder... in making my faith grow again... i guess this is just a bad time... but it will get fixed in time...

my friends... growing a little bit apart of my high school friends... i saw them just about last week, and i don't know... we are taking such different paths that it is kind of difficult even to mantain a conversation as we often did in our daily life in high school... i guess the important thing is that we really care about each other... and that is going ok... maybe we need to remember a little of what we were back then... it could help...

most of my friendships in college are getting indeed stronger... the cluster as we like to call ourselves is getting stronger... i don't know what will be of me without those guys.... however there are some getting all difficult, i had rough times with the girl that used to be almost my best friend.... i am having trouble with an old friend that is all bummed because he is no longer taking courses with us... so he feels depressed... well i need to help him....

I am so happy with Alicia, my best friend :) Each day we grow closer... no matter what our differences are, our friendship is indeed unique... and i hope it will survive long time

The past six months i had a job.... i was a math teacher in a high school... well let's say "math" jajaja i prepared the math olympiads ppl and gave some logics class... nothing complex... the job was cool, i did it mostly for the "fun" of it.... i didn't care for the money... i cared just a little bit for the curriculum reference that it could be... but mostly i did it because i like math, mostly that for olympiads, and having a job sounded important... so i did it...

I met incredible people... it was a great experience! i met some great coworkers... mostly women, most of them at least 10 years older than me (being nice with some of them) , nice people, i learned a lot from them. I also met some obnoxious students, who just wanted to know stuff of my personal life, and that wanted to piss me off in every class (most of them tenth graders) i also met some very special girls (all of them eleventh graders) who are now my friends... and that i can really enjoy talking to.

i won't finish the school year with my job, my next semester is kind of rough, and i would have no time for it.... that really sucks... i liked my job.... but at least i enjoyed every minute of it.


Summary... new friends, old friends are lost, other friends come closer.... academics are going alright... my faith is needing me to work on it... and i am just the same person... the same fears.. the same insecurity... when will i have the guts to trust myself a little bit? i guess the insecurity and everything is what i am... there is no changing that... i'll try to trust myself more... i'll work to show myself i am worth it... and that i can achieve anything i can... if that helps, may it be welcomed... if not... screw everybody.... i kind of like being who i am now...

≈Diego≈

V for Vendetta

“Behind this mask there is a face, but it is no more me than the muscles beneath it, or the bones beneath them.”

I saw the movie today... wow... WOW! good phrase... probably would comment on it latter...

Little details rule the world

The world is full with details.....
And details rule the world....
The power is in your hands!
To do for others a special day.

The best person isn't the smartest one,
The best person isn't the funniest one,
not the great, not the tall,
not the strong, not the rich....

The best person is you,
if you just smile a little.....
if you just make others laugh....
if you just take some time to change someone else life.

The world is ruled by Little Details......
love,
a hug, a smile, just a happy girl.

Cold hearted poet

I used to be a poet....

I used to know how to bring all this feelings into words.
Does that mean i used to know myself deeply? I guess not... and if i did.... that has come to an end....

What happens when you haven't felt romantic love in months...? what happens when you don't know who you would like to be with you the rest of your life? does deception after deception bring you to a dead end where you are no longer romantic? have i became cold hearted? Does this means that now i'm just this idiotic fool who doesn't care if he hurts a woman? what happened to all that romantisism in me?


No.... i am no longer a romantic guy... i just feel atracted to women.... i like them, i like to watch them move, i like to talk to them for hours.....but no feelings involved.... just playing nice.... if i get to that point where i become aware a girl i like doesn't like me back... i just back off... forget everything.... cold hearted.... unable to fight for what i want.... unable to wish for things when they are no longer easy... when the time comes to get serious, to stop the game of just flirting a little... when the time comes where the next move is to get your feelings involved.... i am no longer that poet.... i no longer feel the need to rush for a girl... i just stop worrying... and think of something else... or maybe someone else....

And maybe the right girl hasn't come... but maybe again i am just blocking myself... not letting them be the right girl for me... they can be perfect... but i find them something wrong... my feelings are exactly that elusive....

Maybe i should stop... maybe i should try to go back in time... remember what it is like to have a girlfriend.... and get the subjective look at it... where everything is a gain... instead of looking at it the way i am doing right now... when having a gf is just about loosing money and time....

I want to be a poet again... i want to feel alive... i want to feel free from this cold heart.... i want to feel again... i want to love....

Time of uneasiness

These days have being weird.... again! yeah! time has passed and i am in the worst part of my semester... two weeks and i should be in vacation.... wohoo... but things aren't going as well as i wanted... things have get depressing... problems with assignements and everything... nothing has being easy...

As the problems arrise i feel the need to have someone there... i want to have a shoulder to cry... someone to hear how things are going... and i know i got my friends... they will hear me if i need to... but its not the same.. i need support differently.. that support you only have when someone cares really much about you... i need someone there... and .... i have noone to fill that space... i sometimes go to Alicia.... but she is a little freaked out since i told her i have had this kind of feelings for her in the past... and i don't have them right now... and won't have them if God helps me... but things have being akward with her... but my mind keeps bringing memories from sometime ago... memories when someone made me happy... when someone was there to hear my frustrations.. to make me feel ok again.... when that someone was able to destroy any problem with just one perfect kiss... and i dreamed with that kiss.. it was tender... soft... completely innocent... like those you give only when tou really love the other person.. i dreamed with it... it was perfect.... again... with her... and this has me in a thougher spot yet... cause i know how impossible is to get that back... i won't have again.. and in my dream she reminded that to me... she told me she kissed me cause she wanted to know if she had still feelings for me... and even when she found she do.... nothing will change cause of her boyfriend.... yep... even my dream... with the perfect kiss.. wasn't that perfect... it was real..i think i felt her lips again... crossing with mine.... i swear i felt it.... like i am not feeling it ever again..... i just hope i can find happiness someday... i just hope for things to come right for me soon.... i just have a little bit of hope....

Hope

Things have indeed get better... today someone asked me if i had blogged lately... and i remembered my last post.... Wow.. when i entered my blog... i couldn't remember how i got so down... i was hurt indeed.... nothing seemed to be coming the right way.....

My test the day after that was okay... i think i got a good grade... even when my teacher managed to have one quarter of the test to be practically unsolvable....

Things with Oscar and María are now alright.... they are right for each other i guess...and apparently their relationship haven't changed the group's friendship yet... so things are alright....

My best female friend is still in a bad spot, emotionally speaking.... but she'll get over it... i'm doing my best to help her out.... also i realized i was just sick of guys being mean to her... and there came all those feelings towards her,.... but they really don't exist... just a illusion provoked by a very bad timed situation...

Days have passed... I am again me.... more confident.... more happy.... i had an emotional crisis some days ago... with my ex.... Arianna... but things are ok... nothing happened.... just a spark of yesterday's ligth came to me.... i remembered how happy i used to be.... and how i haven't being that happy in a long time.... in the end... everything got me just to one conclusion... i need that happiness.... i need to find someone that make me smile in that way.... and now i am searching... trying not to forget... but trying to get something like that... not with her obviously... cause that would be impossible.... (Well that's a little bit contradictory with my title... i guess once more i find in my way somethings that are just meant to be impossible.... and they are better off that way...)...

I am just happy now... waiting... for the right place, the right time... and specially for the right girl to come up...

Beren

Here i am, the night is dark today... the world is still spinining without any destination... just as i feel my life is.... The question tonight is where am i heading? The question is why does everything around me affects me so much?....

My world today is getting so complex.. so many things are happening....

Today my day started with one of my best friends telling me how he was no longer with his girlfriend... the one he met in highschool... the one that had being with him the past two years... i know this girl well, i consider her one of those ppl from high school i cared for... and now i will probably know little from her.... it will probably be painful for her to be around me... her ex's woek partner.... too many conections...

i hope she finds her way... she deserves the best... even though i don't know what that is....

Well after this exhuberant news.... well now Oscar is with María.... wow... that was fast.... i used to have kind of feelings for that girl too.... well... luckily i always knew it was more than platonic... wouldn't have happen.... that makes me able to be happy for them.... two of my best friends together.... kind of nice....

Well, that reminded me what happened a year from now.... i broke up with the girl that probably have meant the most to me in my whole life.... the only one that got me really depressed... i was so unhappy... she used to be my best friend... well not know... we barely talk when necessary... or sometimes a little bit more....

Oh well the day continued... well... and i learned just another failure in one of those ppl you idolice.... you think of someone as perfect.... just to come to realize that he or she was just as human as you are... and probably more.... same failures... same conflicts.... same weakness.... and life seems so pointless.....

Ok... time for my best female friend to confess some stuff to me came just a short while after... why are things that way? mmm... i really can't imagine how can this affect me.... am i having feelings for her and that's why this news crushed so badly into my hear?... i hope not... i hope is just me feeling worried of her being hurt.....

the world moved just a little more inches.... and i chated to my friend's ex.... it was so hard for me to read her lines... well i guess... i am really sad for that break up after all....

And when you guess there's nothing that could make me feel more depressed... i realize my father is with a vesicle problem and will have to spend this weekend in the hospital.... well... he's definitevely not my favorite person... but still he is my father....

Well... that's it... my world,,, spining... and even though it goes on... everything seems motionless.... lifeless.... and even with this lack of motion....tomorrow's test is getting more near each second... i guess i should go study... bye

Turin Turambar

Computer Geek Test...

Guess what? aparently i am a computer geek....

Temptation

Temptation is always present.
The world will always try to make you do things you are not supposed to do... and they look so good... tasty... temptation can come from the simplest to the worst. Just a chocolate when you are on a diet... or the temptation to sit all day in front of your computer just to chat... also temptation to go and sleep just the day before a big test or the day before the due date of your final project...

Also there are big temptations... temptations you don't want to risk... like being having an affair.. or just having sex for pleassure... or going to a motel with your gf... you know... i haven't felt much of those... but i know they will be there someday...

The fact is that there are in life moments in which you know the world has to be kidding you... that the circumstances can't be just this perfect for you to make such a tempting and horrible mistake...

Why are we tempted? Is God just playing with us? just looking at us fall and fall... and laughing His ass at us... just because we are weak and continue falling? we are not just weak, but incredibly recursive (yeah! computacional talk... but what the heck i should accept i am a geek)... we go on and on... same mistakes once and again.

Temptation is a bitch.... you know it's gonna be a mistake... and it will cause only trouble... but at the same time you know it would feel so good to do it... with out problems in your consience...

Yep we are tempted each day... as we walk... as we eat... as we hang with our friends... as we drink... as we breath... each second comes with temptation... and each temptation is a prove on how strong we are....

i guess i am not as strong as i thought....

≈Tempted≈

A different Xmas

Here i am, things have changed... Xmas will come around the corner, bringing something diferent... i remember how it used to be... every year was exactly the same... equally special and full of a catholic meaning.

I feel like remembering those days where we celebrated Xmas on my grandmother's house(the mom of my mom)... we will gather all as a family in her living room... my family as always got there late... however we only found my grandmother making everything look perfect. She would have cooked our favorite dish, "pure de camote"... and she would have taked care of the meat... probably pork... and cramberry sauce.... some of my uncles will have brought coke and other drinks... we probably the dessert... my aunt, the salad(she is great in salads :P)... yep everything would have being ready for dinner... probably will have to wait for someone.. around an hour late... we will start... my grandmother will prepare all of her grandsons in a line... the younger ones in front... everyone of us... except for my brother who will be with my grandfather's guitar in the living room... the youngest of all my cousins will have the image of baby Christ in his/her hands... Jorge, will start singing silent night... and we all will follow him... we will enter the living room with candels in our hands... and my cousin will go to the portal... and helped by my aunt will let the image in between the images of Virgin Mary and Saint Joseph, we will end the song and will remain silent for a moment.. my grandmother will be thrilled with all happening... she just loved this time of the year.. we will remain silent... for a moment.. filling with all the feelings of the moment. Soon some of my uncles or my aunt.. or maybe my mom will start a prayer.. giving thanks to God for giving us the chance to be together as a family one more year.. we will give thanks for having my grandmother with us one more year, for her love... we will give thanks for the job or studies of each one of us.. probably thanks for having my uncle(the one that lives in the US) with us once again... and we will ask for those who don't have all the blessings we are used to have... we will ask for them to find a Merry Xmas after all..

After the whole ceremony, just as my grandmother will have liked it, we will start giving presents... my aunt always does that part.. she would search for a present for each one of the grandsons in order... and will continue until the tree had no more presents.. we will be happy showing our grandmother each of our gifts... and she will laugh happily seeing each one of us smile in this time of the year... then we will pray once again giving thanks for all the food.. and all the stuff that the Lord has given us.. Then we will eat the delicious food of my grandmother... and all the stuff each one of us had brought...

that was the meaning she taught me of this time of the year... being able to live it like a family.. being able to share it with the ones that we are bonded to... and of course having HIM as the center of all...

This year we will do exactly the same ritual.. the same stuff she will have wanted us to do.. we will give thanks to God for all the blessings this year.. we will give thanks cause my uncle is back at CR for this time of the year, we will give thanks because we are still together as a family, we will ask for strenght to keep that way, and we will give thanks cause my grandmother didn't suffer and she is now with my grandfather, in heaven.. looking at us having the ritual she taught us... living the meaning of this time of the year as she liked it the most.. being together... and feeling that she is still here.. with us..

≈Diego, prideful grandson of Thelma≈

A world of intentions

Every action is defined by its intentions, every word can have as much senses as you want to give it.... one word can create love based on the intentions of the speaker... but can create resentment with just a little different entonation...

We live in a world that is constantly giving value, trying to find the real intention behind of each of our actions, everybody tries to get what you are, just by trying to realice what is there, lying in between your thoughts as you do certain thing.... it doesn't matter what it is.. it might be eating, it might be getting a shower, combing your hair, playing guitar, writting in your blog... maybe someday i will get tired of ppl thinking why i do things, maybe someday... i'll start doing things just cause i think they are right... maybe i'll stop thinking what will this or that person say... what will they think of me... what would their reaction be (i know some friend out there should pay attention here...) maybe we all shall live our lives without any regrets.. just do what we think right in the moment.. and be happy with that... living for us, and just for us... selfishly... but with no intention but to please ourselves.... what will happen then? wouldn't each of us be happier? wouldn't it be cool to do those things that tempt you... and don't think of what ppl will think about you...? maybe... maybe... the whole point is to have just one intention.. to please ourselves... and end this world of intentions... and then nobody will search for the intentions behind the actions of others...

≈Me, darker than ever ≈

Feelings, nothing but... feelings

What has happened? what's wrong with this world? how is it that in my mind i tried to decide my feelings and ambitions with a simple and binary question? 0 or 1? it's incredible how people go for zero so much... was Arianna right when she said i missed placed what each answer was supposed to be? or the real problem of all was to let other ppl decide for what i feel or i should do next...? Maybe zeros and ones aren't really important... no person can take this decision... is a problem of just two persons... no matter how we put it.. what everybody is got to say to me i should take it just as advice... just as a new way of looking to this problem... but should not be in any way the base for a decision...

You know.. i think that i finally found what is making me look angry or dissapointed to her... and i found is not angry... is not me full of resentment and stupid feelings that i know won't get me anywhere... however it has made me look serious indeed... and the whole thing is that i'm concerned... i am asking now to myself to my own being if a relationship can stand such a big problem coming to them so in the relationship that this is the time when our relationship has being more of a fight that of a happy relationship... maybe if i had had the chance to talk to her before.. the situation wouldn't be this way... but the fact is that it is... maybe cause i have been busy.... or maybe just cause i can't find the answer....

I know i want to be with her... i don't mind if many peolple have said zero... i don't mind if some of them are sure that that's the way stuff should be... just end everything... but i don't want it... i just don't know... how our reltionship will go on... if after all we continue together... would i have illusion again? will we go over the problem and be able to left all behind(and by all i mean ALL)? will we be able to talk in full confidence again...? i know of stuff i want to tell her.. but would they be enough to renurish our relationship? i don't know...

Maybe i'll just get the answer by trying... but will it be worth it if things turn up to be wrong? i don't want to end up again as i have ended in all my relationships... i don't want to cry for another girl... i just have cried for too many of them... and i remember everymoment that made me spill tears for them.. i remember almost two years ago... crying cause Juliana had ended our relationship,... in mid school hall... trying to run even from my friends... trying not to be seeing.. i also remember being in my house and reading words that came from the beach... with Silvia Guillen telling me that she had kissed one of my classmates and that she was over me... i remember... the feeling... i remember the tears... and also i remember that moments in Arianna's terrace(i remember it so lively that i couldn't go near it today... i just didn't want to feel that again), when for the first time i saw that neither her not me wanted to break up, but she break up with me and we both cried... and i we kissed all teary, knowing that those were our last kisses... i remeber each of those tears... for everyone of them... i know the feeling... i know it and even now i can feel it... and those feelings are so live that i.... i am certain now.. that i am affraid of getting hurt.... shame on me... i know my history... i feared it not when i started with that girl 3 years younger than me... i feared it not when i went behind some girl with the bad reputation of liking to be with more than one boy at a time... i feared it not when falling in love with my best female friend that had a boyfriend... and with everyone of them i got hurt... and i thought i don't care... but i was wrong.. i do care.. i care a lot now... i am affraid that things will end up that way... and now illusion isn't able to blind me of that chance... cause illusion isn't clear right now....

≈Coward Linux≈

Reassoning over guilt and self-respect

Life has a curious way of punishing ppl for what is consider to be wrong by society... you really don't think about it so much until you suffer the consequences... sometimes mistakes are made with out any intention, however some extrange force wants you to feel that all the possible guilt is yours and only yours.. Once you are in this terrible state of remorse and you feel like the biggest crap in all this little and pathetic world, you go past your self-steem, your own pride and self-respect... and you destroy yourself, asking for forgiveness... feeling that is the only way to bring things back to normal... and thinking that maybe, just maybe... when they are right again, you'll be able to recover all that stuff that you left behind to get forgiveness...

It's a natural process, speacially when it involves things that you care a lot about, or ppl that you really love... and it is natural to go, and forget all about yourself and give the reasson to this disastrous parody called "world" that we live in... just in order to get rid of the problem, because you know that you can't handle things as they are... you just can't.. even when you fell no guilt...

However, sometimes that world, just laughs at your desperate atemp.... it just feels sorry for you being so ridiculously stupid.... but has no remorse in making you feel even worse... and destroying everything that is left from you...

It's true... since last friday i have asked forgiveness, i don't feel that i am the only one having to do it, but i decided that if it wasn't for me there will be no way around my problem with that person... i formally asked forgiveness on friday.. i formally asked forgiveness yesterday... but i can't do more... i have decided not to do more... i just did all humanly possible without going over my own dignity.. if i have some of my former selfresect, and selfsteem... i'll retain it... i won't go lower.. i don't deserve anybody treating me like this... or threatening me with coldness... i don't care if lose that person who i love... i don't really care right now... she just is too stubborn... and won't accept my apologies no matter how poetical or beautiful or sincere i make my words sound.... no she won't having begging... and this is my final decision.... if she doesn't accept my appologies so far.... or my one last try... that would come some of these days... she will lose me... with no turning back.... and God knows that i can't do more.....


≈CRC 4≈

Bronze

these past two weeks have being probably the two most rough weeks academically in my whole life. I really wanted so much to been writing as i am right now, but i was barely sleeping and had really no time for myself. But finally i have some days freer and i am writting... for now i'll transcribe something i wrote 30th of September. At that time i was sitting in a little living room in Hotel Caribe, in Boca Grande, Cartagena, Colombia.

Experience at OIM(Olimpiada Iberoamericana de Matemática or Iberoamerican Math Olympic) was great, every country gave something of their culture to the fascinating contest, everybody wanted to paint the frame with thunique colors, everybody expected the best from their country.

As you get the big minds of all over Iberoamerica, you realize they are not far away from regular people, they are latinamericans, just as everybody the whole other bunch i get to know in my own country, people completly fond of parties, and alcohol and just wanting to have fun. They are just the same as those guys i saw i highschool and thought of them as idiots, just moronic entities that lived for and from liquor, however these guys had one big diference, that they have brains, and that made them get an easier time into joining them with the party and of course with the alcohol.

The first days however passed without any party, everybody was trying to get focused on tests, nobody wanted to play stupid and loose the chance of having some reward for their unique talents in mathematics. That's how the first days were just eating, swimming a little bit, getting to know the beach and particulary the hotel, and also scanning for those that were known as the most dangerous competitors. Also i had to meet me roomies, the Nicaraguans, cause my delegation had only two guys and rooms were for 4 people, so they putted me in with them and my friend Alejandro was with the Panama ppl.

Well that's how i went to do test with her wings with me, thinking of her at each second, knowing that her whole support was the key to my inminent success, wheather it was just getting one point, or getting a medal and everything. I went Tuesday to do the first test, i was so frustated, first problem, a system of equations in three variables, my favorite type of problem, however even when i tried hard to get it right i couldn't(later i realized the error had being a stupidity), i went to the second and third problem and they both looked completely imposible, number 3 i didn't know how to start... so i left it behind and started looking at number two.. number theory, well one subject i like but even there it was a little bit complicated.. i couldn't believe i was going out of the first test without my desiered point. i desperatedly ask for permision to go to the bathroom, i needed to clear my mind and focus.. as i went out i saw the line for the bathroom was incredibly long.. and realized i had no time for that, so i thanked the girl that was going to make sure i didn't copy while i was on the bathroom and said i rather go and continue with the test. As i came back i saw some thoughts i had written in my second problem, and realized that finally those were making sense.. and guess what i saw the solution... all there, i had just to make some few more lines.. and it was done... inspired by God, perhaps, or perhaps by her wings, just with me, in my back, making me a little closer to her condition. None of the other two i couldn't solve them, however i went outside happy of myself knowing that i had embrassed my own honorific mention over there, and that it was better than everything i had expected.

However, when i sat to check solutions with my teachers, they told me that it was going to be hard to get the seven points but that they would try it the best to show the jury that my answer had all the posible cases.

Then i went on Wednesday to the second test. problem six was impossible! i didn't used any of my time in it. problem 5 was geometry, and i decided then to go to four. And i got it out, or at least i thought i had it. but i had made an stupid mistake and ruined my solution. Then it was the team test, and my team was Nicaragua 4, two Cartagenan kids and me... it wasn't that good, we did nothing.

That night was bad, i knew i was going to have problems in getting my seven for number two, i was getting a maximum of 4 points in number four, and any other point that came out from my erasers from other questions will just be that made a maximum of 10, or 11 points. That wasn't good enough.. just a mention that was not certain and a chance of having a little more if everybody else had made a fool of themselves. i was depressed... all the way to Colombia and not getting more than some points was according to my expectations, but it also felt dirty. I just especulated a bad result, and saw those guys, those minds playing and being happy around an old friend of mine, one that could follow me to anywhere. I remembered the bottle of Malibu i had bought, and went over there. Drinking just to feel sorry for myself. It was a bad idea, i combined too many alcohols. Stupid me, it made me feel sick the whole morning and afternoon, maybe she was right, she always is...and in that moment i thought: " what about joining her in that anti-alcohol campaing.... ? " and i realized it was finally the first good idea of that whole night...

Well, thursday was not at all bad, after feeling sick, and sorry for myself, I managed to go visit the most wonderful city of Cartagena. OMG! It's beautiful!, it really has a great charm, and enjoying it with my team and Angel (officially perfect gold, Mex 4. Extraofficially CRC5! ) was just the best experinece ever.





As our tour ended we went back to the hotel and found everybody making great conversations over their final scores. Expeculations were minimum points for bronze 15, for silver, 22, ad for gold 36 out of 42. Which was a shame, cause i knew my best score was around 10 or 9 points, and i started thinking if it could be posible my tutors managed to get my 7 points from problem two, which would have meant honor at least, but even when we searched everywhere, there were no signs of neither of them. Around eight in the night we found them!, however they didn't wanted to give us our results until the medals were decided... that meant like half an hour more of desesperate wait, however they told me i had honor before entering the meeting... and i was at least happy for that.

We were so nervous! Then they were out, at least 20 hours after my awful ethylic stage, with the news CR's results were 3 bronze medals and one honor, no names yet. Since I was so frustrated with myself i thought i was the honor and felt really happy for them. Then they said: "María sacó honor!"(María has honorific mention) and i couldn't make the connection, i was too happy just for having honor achieved, but after they said: "Alito, Alicia y Diego sacaron bronce!" (Alito, Alicia and Diego got bronze medal!)

I couldn't believe it!!! Bronze international medal when i didn't get a medal at last years final. Wow! Bronze! so happy, so happy!

It was weird, cause i was really happy for my team's results, we did much more of what we expected, and maybe even more of what was expected from us, however it was upsetting to know that Alito was the best bronze of the whole competion but he got no silver... and knowing that María was one point from bronze was also devastating. However, we managed to be happy and celebrate in middle of the hotel, with everybody staring at us as if we were crazy!

Closing act was so great, some boring speeches and then what i had dreamed of, for all my life, the biggest feeling i have ever experienced, just going in front of 84 contestants of 22 countries and getting recognition for my effort, getting my bronzer!. I am such a happy person, the happiest person in the world, however knowing that my results could have being a little better, knowing that i got some stupid stupid errors, but i was happy.



≈Costa Rica 4≈

Thoughts

Are young couples supposed to have an active s.exual life? is a question that has been around my mind this past week... i've just being thinking how Amidala's mother is so conservative that would do everything in her reach in order for her and me not having much of a private space to share... and this gets us to not having even the chance of getting somewhere near that... and with my past relationships the deal was mostly the same... and it isn't up to the couple to really decide on their own stuff without having their parents doing everything possible to stop thing even when maybe the couple would decide not to get there... Are parents really protecting their children by being so paranoic? aren't they forcing them to hide what they really think about the subject?

I have being thinking wheather or not would i take the chance if i should have one with a special girl or something... and wheather my self control would be enough to mantain that decision... i guess as i guy anrd everything my nature is to go for it... and self-control isn't needed for that... but things are just that easy... mistakes in this aspect can be very expensive for one's life and maybe in fear i feel like rejecting the chance...

I know this disertion is too much of a used subject... i just being thinking.. wanting to take a decision everyone should make... trying to leave aside chances.. just be clear for one's self what you want about the subject... how will you orient your life towards s.ex and how to react towards the chance... i'll continue thinking....

≈Darth Linux≈

Concentration

Well this was quite a weekend, lots of stuff happened... since i was in my concetration towards the Math Olympics i've been talking about since a some time now... the concentration is supposed to be a time when the whole team goes to some hotel to spend some time together and to study in the most radical way....

The concentration was somewhat the best experience we have had as a group since the time when we realized we were officially the team.. we were so happy... even studying.. we studied, and studied and studied... in an almost none stop style... however... we had many meals.. and slept altogether in that hotel that we went to... well... Alejandro an me in one bedroom, while Alicia and Maria Haydee in the other one...

All the time we spend together was great, we are getting to become really close friends... and the perspective of the trip is getting just better and better... i can't wait.... just to fullfil my dream... i just hope to get a good result over there... i don't want to make a vain trip... just need to know that i'm somehow good and prove to myself that i deserve being there...

i also learned a lot of stuff... Van Aubel theorem and Gergonne's Theorem... good ones really... and lots of little tricks on how to get to simplify really complex problems... wow! i think i'm really getting better at this with this training... and no matter how exhausting it is it feels great... the feeling can't be described.. it's just... it's just.. it...

the only thing is that i have fear to leave this country... how was it to be on a plane??.. really i can't remember... and two weeks from now.. i'll be getting on one... leaving my whole family, friends... and that special girl.. here... i'll miss them...(specially the last one) even when it's only a week.. i'm kind of too attached... but can't help it.. it's just my dream and go to go after it... that's the sense of life... wishing for those imposible things... wishing for details in life that make it look even brigther...

hope everything goes fine... and that everuthing is the same or better as i return from the beautiful beaches of Cartagena, Colombia...

≈Costa Rica 4≈ ( i assume)

Dear readers... dear bloggers

Once and again i find myself having to ask for your forgiveness... wow! this last weeks haven't passed by unnoticed in my life... things have happened... relationships have changed... some backward for good... and some forward for better... and my life couldn't be happier... everything is fitting just in a perfect harmony that resembels the best music piece you could imagine... however academically it has being rough... and maybe that's the reasson that makes me write right now... just as i write i imagine the whole bunch of stuff i should be doing, but i don't care i just decided that this weekend is for me... no matter what... i will just study tomorrow in the very night... when i help a friend (a real one... a classmate... my partener in every subject) with calculus... and the rest will be dedicated just to me, me and me... as i have being doing this whole day...

Hope for your forgiveness anyway... keep reading please... i promise that i'll try to write more often...

≈Darth Linux≈

Colombia be aware!!!

Good news. Yesterday i got that expected result... the decision on wheater or not i'm good enough to go to the Iberoamerican Mathematics Olympics... wow! i suffered a lot during the wait... just too much expectation... however... the result was positive!!! i made it to the fourth place!!! i'm in!!! I'M IN!!!

Wow! that was something i really didn't expected at all! i just jumped all over the place! i was thrilled!!! just too happy... too happy to have ended there.... and to have now a trip to Colombia to do something i really love... just math... math and more math... who cares if the world looks at me like i was crazy?? apparently i'm good at it! and it makes everything beatiful! i'm happy happy...

The best part is: The team is exactly the one i expected!!! the one that i have looked forward too... I let you know who they are.... Alejandro: the well known "Alito", maybe the guy that left me out of last year's Iberoamerican... a complete a total genious! he deserves to be first in the qualification... also he studies computing engeenering in the same college i go to... so we have somethings in common... María Haydee: Hey! i don't really know her... not exactly.... i've seen her for three years in a row.. trying as hard as i have done... and even harder... she also goes to my college... and studies Electronic engeenering... she is nice... and i feel like i could have a nice chat with her anytime... Alicia!: the third one in the list... however probably the one that i expected the most! Alicia who has been there for like a year... as my real friend... someone that i can talk to about almost anything... she is probably the girl that will consider to be my best female friend right now... she is just awesome... an example of effort and intelligence for me... she also studies at my college (ok ok!!! ITCR rules!!! we four go there!), and she studies Biotechnology! And finally me... also at my college (i wonder how i made that so difficult conclution?) and i am great also...

I really need a picture of the team! i'm so happy... as soon as i manage to get one... i'm sure i'll post it over here....

I'M IN!!! Colombia be aware! 1/4 of the Evil Four is going over there!!! and i'm planning on doing really well there!!!

≈Darth Math Linux≈

The last effort...

Wow! i thought this day will never come... what may be my last formal test for Mathematics Olympics right here in Costa Rica.... and maybe the last one of my whole "career" in this subject... And even when i freak out yesterday... i was sweating... i was affraid... never thinking on what will be next... maybe if things go really wrong this is it... all the effort of three years maybe thrown to garbage can with all my ilussions... or maybe... i'll be more into this from now and until that desirable international tournament....

Well, things went alright today... who would have thought all that fear was worthless? (Viviana did... she was my support last night.. she won't let me fall.. she made me believe in myself.. she is great :D... and she made me go there and give my best)... i went there and made one of the best tests i've ever done... if i am going to retire from this with that test, i made sure i left a good impresion. I really did my best... I did... I felt ok... I felt like math was all coming back to me... i even solved the whole geometry problem! which has been my weakness for these three years...

Now, all that's to be done is waiting... waiting for that phone call that should arrive tomorrow... maybe a yes! filled with joy... maybe a no... that will make me think that i did a really good effort towards my goal.. and that maybe if i had done something more i will be in... but that doesn't really matters right now.. i'm happy with my effort... i'm happy with my performance.. even when i don't know what's going to happen tomorrow...

≈Math Freak≈

For one second...

For one second alone with you today,
i will have given every star i come to posess.
Just for an instant near you,
without those eyes staring at us.

With just one second in my hands,
i will have made it obvious,
that no time is wasted when we two
come together in just one soul.

I didn't said anything nice to day,
i failed to be spontaneous
and i know mine
is the only blame.

I'm sorry..
i can't believe i failed in my best field
i'm sorry.. but i din't know how to get that second
and i didn't knew how to get it
and i failed to wait.

Sorry... just sorry...

The real friend beneath

Today was the day. i suddenly realized that my best friend has departed for his long waited trip. And, yes, he is gone. i thought for long time that this would really hurt me. i didn't thought of the happiness this is to him. And in my own selfishness i only thought of me not having whom to tell my romantic issues or my bad experiencies in college or maybe just a problem with my parents, never considering how this is affecting his feelings.

However, contrary to all i thought today, at 12md i just felt suddenly happy, and i found in myself all contradictory feelings to what i had expected... i realized in my thoughts that if i were in his (maybe crazy) situation and i got to have this huge trip to find love across the sea, he, my best friend, the one person that knows me for every little detail, will be happy for me and i realized that if i believed in my friendship with him, i should be happy for him and believe in his love for that girl... and the wonderful thing is that i had no trouble in feeling that way...

And no problem... i may not having him around to tell him my stories for a while... but i'll find someone else to rely on for now... i'll find someone... really doesn't matter exactly who... maybe another E4 member, after all they are my other best friends... and i trust them as much as i trust jose (even when i'll have to tell them lots of stuff to update them...), maybe just my brother or my sister... maybe i'll just keep things to myself... i don't know and i don't really care for now...

Jose! my friend! Farewell! have a good trip! enjoy yourself! enjoy your gorgeous girlfriend! enjoy yourself in your great trip to Europe... have fun.. and take care of that crazy enough relationship to break the barrier of distance.... just please have fun! don't get killed!

≈Your Friend≈

The meaning of one kiss...

For sometime in life, every man comes to think that one kiss isn't just a kiss when the tongue doesn't get to do what it does best (not precisely talking)... and for sometime you believe firmly that no one can go against that idea... when the real pleasure of being with a girl comes just from kissing her in the mouth and getting to make that kiss one hell of a long kiss... and you can get to believe that this is the only real way to show affection that is in the whole world... and in time you start to even get bored of that (perhaps the reason of most of my known breakups...)

However, the world always have a funny way of leading you to a girl that's worth everything... the world gets you to know a girl that with the simplest of kisses is able to stop things around you for just one second.... things just stop... people around you (even when knowing them, even when some are your friends, someothers are her friends) just stop existing... external noices just appear to have vanished from earth.. and the only thing that matters is that second... that kiss... even when it doesn't fit in the description that i already made.... the only thing that matter is you... and that girl... at your side.... that girl that maybe won't kiss you further (yet) but that is showing you her affection by just one kiss that she seems to be enjoying as much as you do...

In that second you realize the world is tricking you... it is showing you too late the feeling of a real kiss... and you get to think what's next to be learned.... and want just another try of that so beatiful experience.... you just desire another second that could last for ever again... and you know you are going to fight for it, you are going to do what ever it takes to get another kiss that will mean just as much as that one did....

For now... i'm waiting for that second chance... just waiting until i see her again... waiting... waiting... and being happy for that second even when it doesn't fit in my old description of a real kiss...


≈Happily Waiting≈

Thinking twice process

Every word causes an effect... negative, positive... but it causes an effect... and it is the only certain thing about speaking... as you speak you r trying to say something... it would be illogical to speak just to say nothing (those having read or being to a Ionesco play can understand that more deeply) . As every action, every word is to be thought and to be analyzed before making it a reality... everything you say has to be the result of a extensive process that guarantees that you r having your opinion expressed with everyword... just to prevent you from saying something that goes totally in opposition to what you think, believe or feel about something (or even someone, as feelings get to have more importance).

From my point of view, sometimes your mind tricks you... yep it does! sometimes you say something without meaning to hurt anybody... without feeling that those words are going to make any damage to something you appreciate... or something that your getting attached to.... however.. they just make trouble... and as you go on saying them you realize how wrong they are... how they don't go with you... and for that few seconds you can't believe they are coming out of your own mouth... it just seems like a bad joke... like destiny trying to be funny with you.... like fate trying to make you realize how stable or unstable things in your life are.... and for that second.... and the next hours... the next days... and the next months.... you just have to beg for that simple misunderstanding between your mouth and your mind won't cause much more trouble to your dreams..... just for not having used the thinking twice process in those words...

≈Thoughtful≈

Test!

Your element is earth: Wise, solitary, mysterious
and loving. You are very wise. Your wise as in
you know things others do not, you can see past
stereotypes and see the real people behind
their facades, and people will often come to
you for help and advice. Quite solitary and
somewhat shy around people because you prefer
animals and plants, animals aren't afraid to
show themselves or what they are feeling and
plants are fun to nurture. You are very strong
in your silence if you set your mind on
something you will often times pursue it to the
end. Sometimes you just want to get away, so
you seek refuge in the forest where you can
have time to think and try to sort out your
emotions. The sound of the wind usually calms
you, especially moving through the trees. Life
to you is something precious and should not be
taken for granted.


.:-|What is your true element?|-:. -With Anime Pictures and detailed answers-
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Sis!

For one second today i thought my sis will not forgive for something that i really didn't meant... just can't live without her thoughts and her great advices.... you'll always be my confident... you'll always be my sister... the one i admire... the one that has always being there when i needed you... please don't be mad... i hate the only thought of having you mad and out of my life.... hope never happens again....

≈Diego≈

The new ways of self-respect

How hard is it sometimes to know that you are valuable... its is difficult to see that someone is trying to make you feel bad everytime he/she is around you and at the same time to find that you are not useless... yep it is difficult to fight those trying to make your life miserable at everytime... and sometimes i ask myself... is it that i don't deserve a bit of respect? is it that i did something that bad to that person? am i just that bad? (hey having a dark side doesn't mean you are bad to everyone)... and those questions find no answer in my head... until someone clears a little bit of it... you don't deserve to think about yourself that way.... respect yourself... find your own self-respect, one step forward to a new point of view of perfection... find the way to care nothing about what others think... just be yourself and pay no attention to others trying to hurt you.... be yourself and be happy of being that person... of being that world... yep... new to me... new to my own nature of depression and low self-steem... new to my now opened mind... and what the he.ck i'll give it a try... i'll try to feel myself freer.... not to pay attention to annoying ppl that i used to care about... just trying to forget about being their friend if they don't want me there for them... i just won't be.... if someone moves me out of his/her life... i'll just do they same with them... and respect myself enough not to pay attention to what they've got to say about me.... just keeping it simple... just playing a new way... maybe part of this few changes in my life.... just a part of my own dark side....

≈New me≈

P.S.: thx to the amusing girl that inspired me to find my self-respect! you once again proved me your inteligence and your own unique personality!

New me!

Time has passed... around a week and a half since i last wrote a post... however things have changed... yep! a life can make a *360º* turn and don't go back to where it used to lie...

new me: Since some months ago... something had being bothering me... i had found this cd full of music my best friend and other friend(RSM for those knowing him) had ever asked me to burn or just download, music i thought i didn't really like... Three groups were mainly in there: Sepultura, Apocalyptica, and Dream Theater... and i said: "What the h.eck! i am already getting bored of the same music every day... let's give it a shot". As i played one of Apocalyptica's cd i felt something in my inside, and i understood something... i liked this kind of music!!! what had retained me from hearing it? was it just that my parents thought it is too loud? was it just that i didn't give them a shot? what was it? As i heard a little more... i found myself better at programming as i heared this music that was supposed not to let me concentrate. However programmed assignements were a lot easier when they were given atmosphere by those chelos. I decided to give a try next to Dream Theater... it was easier since i had just three lucky mp3 of the group, however they were more than half an hour of great music, with just the same effects in my mood and my effectiveness.(thanks RSM!!) . I just then started Sepultura, ok a little bit heavier and stuff, but i liked it also... and i understood that after all i wasn't that different from my best friend... i just refused to know me better. Then, you dam.n Teufel, you Picollo, just send me one mp3 of Nightwish!!! yep, that was it!!! i had found the perfect music!!! it took me seconds to start asking for more and more.... and everything was just getting better and better... then i found one of my favorities...( maybe cause its in spanish and its easier to find the real meaning of each song...) El Mago de Oz!!!

But it wasn't just music... i remembered a day from last december... a day when i got angry at everybody and just sat down to feel miserable... that day i changed mi outfit.... just like at two o'clock... i saw i was wearing a black t-shirt and just a gray pant... however with all my anger i just didn't find it right.... and changed my pant... to my one and only black pant.... yep... and suddenly it felt right... the first time i ever did that... however i know well why i didn't do that before... my sister don't like it much... however, that day it didn't matter.... and now i thinks it matters just a little bit...

Then i met someone... in this week and a half that have passed... that made me realize... what all this mean... someone able to make me think a little more... a g.irl that challenges me to find what i really think and try to tell her that... a narcist with a great mind, a g.irl who is not afraid of what others think about her, a woman that plays with strategies, someone that believes in *360º* turns that change your life, a friend that deserves my whole respect...

I'm not saing i'm already dark or something... i just start feeling right to dress in black... i just feel right to hear loud rock music... i don't know how long will this get... i won't let somethings, that for sure... i won't let aside my religion, i believe in it just to much, i won't change my ideas... just be opened to hear those that come from others... i won't start dressing only in black (well at least for a while... most of my favorite t-shirts are non-black t-shirts... i still just have one black pant... so this could take a while... or might never happen... however i feel ok with myself... just being a little more critical... just not critizying ppl for the way they dress, or the music they use to express their feelings... just learning to be tolerant and to try to accept ppl for what their interior really is and not just cause they look like they are not going to rob me...

Just being a little bit more myself... and finding out what that really means....

≈Darth Linux≈

to b youngest s.ucks...

June 12th! that just means one thing! one SAD thing! Mr.Peanuts is already 18! and that means i'm the only E4 member without ID... yep! two months to go until i become 18 myself, and this s.ucks! everybody is now able to drink and drive legally, while i continue with my own illegality of being under age.... And even when i'm the tallest that doesn't take away the fact that they are older and that if they want to throw a party (which i hope they don't do) i will not be able to join it! and that makes me even more near of being rejected even by the only three persons who stood at my side during my whole nasty high school experience... and now i'm waiting... just waiting to be 18, and go drink with those three guys.... can't wait... can't beleive i'm the youngest! can't beleive it...

≈17 years old me≈

Life's good when you play Starcraft!

Hey! couldn't believe when i was heading yesterday for college (just had to hand in some jobs), as i got there, i found some friends, hey! it was nice to be over there, just doing exactly what we weren't supposed to do.... GETTING DISTRACTED!, yep big programmed assignement for next friday... we r all a little behind, but we found ourselves watching a movie... and then... we went to the house of other friend.... andwe were 5, we had a 24 port hub.... and 5 pc's.... and the temptation was to much.... we made a net.... and YEP! Starcraft play!!! wow! and who minds if i got my a.ss kicked off? it was just amazing.... too much fun.... two hours went in that.... we had so much fun.... and is definitevely a general truth.... no matter how much work you have to do... if you find a great game and some other friends to playwith.... life's good....

≈i≈

Real excitment... E4 meeting

Yep, i'm somewhat looking forward to tomorrow, a day that won't be like others... yeah right, i got the same old stuff that's ending up for the first time... big final test at college (really don't care... i already passed that course... i just need a good grade to end up at top of my class... i guess i'll do my best to end up in the top).. and having to start doing that boring final job for the tedious subject that remainds me of my tortuose spanish classes at high school (not that they weren't good... but i'm simply not a fan of having my time invested in learning more of a language i have spoken since i was just a little kid) "Comunicación Técnica" :S... but that's not what have me somewhat excited... Tomorrow i'll get out of my already rutinary life... yep! somewhat unexpected E4 reunion.. just when i need it the most.... i could use a time of not thinking in college stuff... or in that g.irl... yep i can use the time of having sometime spend with ppl i can really call friends... not just with some guys with my same interests that i have known just for about 5 months (well i have known some of them for more than that... but it doesn't matter... i still can't believe in them as friends... even when i call them that way...) nop not with them... with my real friends... those who have supported me since i have memory... it may sound cursy.... but i really miss those guys... and the simple idea of seeing them tomorrow... makes me feel great... yep...

What will we do? i DON'T KNOW!!! and don't really care either... just be there... again as the E4... World: you should crumble, cause the Evil Four are getting together... we'll take the night and make it our ally... we will probably see a movie and eat tons of food.. we will disobey your rules and party in an original way... WE.... The Amazing Cell.... The Outstanding Mr. Peanuts... My best friend The Incredible Piccolo and of course... me...

≈The same old Linux≈

A difficult decision!

i think i never mentioned this in my blog before, but some ppl at my youth group and me where going to the WYD (World Youth Day) that is going to be next august in Germany. Initially i though i was going with them, and for the whole year i thought that it was going to help me renew my own experience with God, and maybe it would be a great experience. This trip will be for around three weeks.

Also, for these end of year i have a shot to qualify to the Costa Rican team for the Iberoamerican Math Olympics. Which means that if i qualify i'll be heading to Cartagena Colombia for two weeks in mid september.

This two trips had me both happy and full of fear. Both mean a lot to me, and i really like both ideas, however the chance that both can happen at the same time is completely freaking me out. 'Cause having both will mean to lose almost month and a half of my second semester in college, which will mean that i'll be losing almost every course. And i know i wouldn't be happy of leaving my studies aside that way. And maybe the Math Olympics are just one shot and everything... i don't even know wheater i will qualify or not but i want to give my best and qualify. I just have one more shot in this field and i am not intending to lose it. That's why... in my own fear of making both trips i chose the selfish one, i won't go to Germany, i won't go to find God... and i feel terrible, but i want to fullfill one of my biggest dreams, i want to feel that i'm really good at something, that i can be the best, or at least among the best of the world in something.. and this is my shot...

So from now on... i'll put my effort in going to Colombia... with the power of my mind... i'll do my best... cause i'm not going to Germany, just to fullfill this one dream. And i'll be in the next congress for catholic youth... i promise that to myself... cause i need to thank God for everything he has given me....

≈i≈

Fall is always followed by spring

A new day shows by the corner....
a new day, with a once desired date...
things have change and when this sun rise
it won't be the same...

If i could decide, i'll say six months
aren't a change,
but her heart doesn't feel the same...
and thus lonely i am...

However i'll be strong, i'll fight again for her...
now silently, now patiently....
waiting... showing the best of me...
for her to feel ok...

Patiently... cause time is the only thing
that comes between fall and spring....
For her best friend i'll be,
till she find out what she wants me to be...

≈i≈

Conclusion? i hope not.....

Poetry was gifted to those superior minds in our society, small remains were given to us lovers....

Yesterday a hurricane came,
not in a surprise i must say,
in this dusty may.

However, i'm still not ready
not ready to leave all what happened aside
i still love her, i still want her there.

I knew something was happening i'm not dumb at all,
and i needed to know...
and as i understood things,
i hoped so badly i never asked....

The night was filled with tears,
and every second passed heavily...
towards an unwanted end...

In the end... a hug ended everything...
a hug and a see you soon...
cause after all we are friends at should never end.
And as i walk out of there,
i took a final glance to that house,
with the best memories of these six months,
and to the prettiest woman in these earth
standing under that door,
and i walked out....
knowing that my heart wanted badly
to be still at her side...

And now i'll wait.. again as a friend...
i'll wait for this to be again...
and hope someday will start again...
better tha ever...

≈i≈

Lower case "i"

Warning: this post might be the result of a severly low self-esteem, please don't crytisize it to hard...

i love English! is just a great language, i like how things sound, and how some kind of stuff can be express with a great feeling. i think it is almost as good as spanish (my native language), if we leave aside romantic issues.... where spanish rocks! well... i think i'm kind of good at using it... (correct me if i'm wrong please in that sense) well there's just one little thing i don't agree with.... and some ppl might notice at simple sight.... and it is the use of the pronoun for the first person in singular... I!

yep.... as many might notice i try to avoid writing "i" in upper case or capital letter as it should be written.... and i have my reassons.... i feel it's completely self-centered..... why should i write the personal pronoun that refers to me in upper case.... but write in lower case the one that refers to the person right next to me? am i better than him/her? i don't think so.... everybody should be the same.... no matter who they are.... let's not discriminate ppl like that.... and bring a tribute to lower case "i"... or if you prefer to upper case "You".... either i'm fine with....

≈i≈

Why can't I smile?

Things are horrible... i feel so akward in my inside, not knowing what i really want... not knowing exactly why i feel this way... i just know it started last saturday.... when i realized i have this important test next saturday, and that it can define whether or not i'll make one of my greatest dreams to come true... i really know that i want to make it happen, and i know i used to have the potential to be there... I just believed in myself back then, but now things are so close, and competition is so close, i really stopped believing in myself.... i started thinking if i am the good student i used to be... or if i'm just the biggest of frauds.... maybe i wasn't that good... maybe being last year's fifth was just an illusion... was a piece of fiction my mind created to cover my own failure.... really don't know...

Man! and things got worse.... lsat sunday.... at this party.... i knew it was like my last chance to spend some quality time with my loved Ari, and i knew i wanted to enjoy things at my best... to as sociable as possible, to make sure that she enjoy herself better, just because of my presence... and maybe she did... but maybe she did not.... i am not the guy that becomes the center of attention at a party, i realized i'm not the guy that makes everyone to enjoythemselves... things were different.... i just was there... observing.... how timed passed... and every second was enjoyed not because of me... but because of the presence of others..... and i am not even thinking that she is not loyal to our relationship.... I believe in her, much more than i believe in myself right now... but things were so weird that the question appeared in my mind: "Am i the right person for such a beautiful, joyfull girl? Is it just right for her to be with me?" The answer never came... and i'm still waiting.... and reasson to know that things are the way they are because of a reasson, some reasson i will never have... i don't know why will someone pick me.... why will such a gorgeous lady will just take the time to look in my direction.... and i am starting to think that i'll never find an answer... i know that she won't give to me.... maybe there's no reasson, and things just happened leaded by chance....

After the party, after not being the guy i wanted to be there.... i realized that i won't see her in the right circumstances in the next two weeks.... and i'll bearly will have time to talk, cause she is in partials at high school... and she won't give up her study for anything..... she has not even time to express her feelings to me....

Also things at college aren't so great.... i just can make things rigth.... maybe is this horrible mood.... maybe i wasn't that brigth after all....

And here i am... writing, lonely... full of thoughts around my head.... sad indeed.... and with noone at my side to see how i'm feeling.... no one to tell me that i'm worth it... that i have something good at all.....

≈Smileless face≈

Am I become antisocial?

Wow... definitevely this is the longest time since last setember that i have so much without posting anything... i mean it's being almost a month.... i even feel weird while writing... i hope this one is good enough to make the gap feel smaller....(damn college!)

This month has being a little bit busy, many work and things feel kind of overwhelming, the new world of college has started to feel (as it should be) heavier that high school stuff, and have consumed almost all my time.... i feel that i have abandoned everyone, my friends, my family and also my girlfriend... and around all this i have only managed to take few moments for them, however something inside me feels that it isn't enough... i mean.... i saw my high school friends last sunday, but before that we hadn't see each other in almost two months.... and that's Hell lot of time!...

With my girlfriend things are diferent, even if i haven't seen her much these days, it has being cause we both have being busy, and i only managed to take an afternoon to help her and her friends studying.... and my God... it's not the same... :'(... I really miss her..... hope that soon we both can manage to take a while to be with one another for an hour or two....

However, all this make me think.... that maybe i have become a study centered organism, someone with any social life.... imagine i can't even remember when was the last time i got out of my house to see a movie, or just to hang at some restaurant... Maybe i am becoming boring and people has all the right not to spend their time with me cause i make things unbareable....

Maybe, i'll try to do something this weekend.... next week i can't.. got this huge test :S... here i go again...... and that make me think that this situation (and me) is definitvely:

≈Hopeless≈

Waiting for tomorrow

Lonely

In this mist
i walk
Those ghosts
is the one who talk.

Things seem not to be right,
and my hearth
misses her warmth
however tomorrow,
there'll be no more sorrow.

This days have been weird, i somehow feel lonely, abandoned, by my friends, by her, by everyone around me.... by my soul...... things are weird, but i'm hopefull, tomorrow will be better, i am sure of that, without mattering what is happening today, when i feel left aside, when i feel i'm not the important part of anyone's life, without mattering anything... Tomorrow shall be a better day....

≈Hopeful≈