Ph.D. anxiety

i know i have much to do... but.... i can't stop thinking of the future... i want so badly to go for my Ph.D. i can't help it....

Reading some stuff on graduate school in my first-choice-university's site i found this

"Student X comes from famous school Y in country Z, where he was ranked 5th out of
4 over hundreds of thousands of students. He was also ranked #1 in his class for the year in terms of GPA. The student comes to graduate school expecting to be the best and starts working very hard on research. By the end of his first or second year, the student realizes that he has not yet published any papers. His friends and family from home start asking what’s wrong with him. He feels frustrated and ashamed. He blames his advisor, he blames his department, he blames his school. Finally, he grows up and accepts the fact that maybe he’s not the best, but he can still do well if he works hard. He starts listening better, works harder, and ends up quite successful. "

i wonder if this could be the story i haven't lived yet.....

I really hope it is....

Remembering old times...

I am used to looking backward every once in a while.

You know, that makes you meditate, you can compare a little bit of what was back then, and what it is today.

Have you accomplished something important? what is the way that your life is taking?

What new friends you've made, what old friends you've lost....

How your own, maybe insignificant, world has changed.

however.... today... i'm trying to do that... (vacation really helps my mood for doing such things)
what has happened in my life the past six months?

i guess academics go first.. they are good. i manage to fit my lowest expectations... even when i know i can do better, and i am looking forward to try next semester... I like CS every day more... i KNOW i'm on the right thing for me.... i guess that's good....

i also realized that my desire is to go futher than just the education i will get in my country... i'm now completely sure i want to do a ph.D. outside... i want to research... i want to learn everything that is possible.

now the really important things... i guess my faith is going badly these days, i remember that there was a time where i prayed a lot, i was living actively my faith, everyday i thanked God for what he has given me, i think that's not it any more... my faith has got to the point where i guess singing mass and going to the group are only part of a routine... i'll work in trying harder... in making my faith grow again... i guess this is just a bad time... but it will get fixed in time...

my friends... growing a little bit apart of my high school friends... i saw them just about last week, and i don't know... we are taking such different paths that it is kind of difficult even to mantain a conversation as we often did in our daily life in high school... i guess the important thing is that we really care about each other... and that is going ok... maybe we need to remember a little of what we were back then... it could help...

most of my friendships in college are getting indeed stronger... the cluster as we like to call ourselves is getting stronger... i don't know what will be of me without those guys.... however there are some getting all difficult, i had rough times with the girl that used to be almost my best friend.... i am having trouble with an old friend that is all bummed because he is no longer taking courses with us... so he feels depressed... well i need to help him....

I am so happy with Alicia, my best friend :) Each day we grow closer... no matter what our differences are, our friendship is indeed unique... and i hope it will survive long time

The past six months i had a job.... i was a math teacher in a high school... well let's say "math" jajaja i prepared the math olympiads ppl and gave some logics class... nothing complex... the job was cool, i did it mostly for the "fun" of it.... i didn't care for the money... i cared just a little bit for the curriculum reference that it could be... but mostly i did it because i like math, mostly that for olympiads, and having a job sounded important... so i did it...

I met incredible people... it was a great experience! i met some great coworkers... mostly women, most of them at least 10 years older than me (being nice with some of them) , nice people, i learned a lot from them. I also met some obnoxious students, who just wanted to know stuff of my personal life, and that wanted to piss me off in every class (most of them tenth graders) i also met some very special girls (all of them eleventh graders) who are now my friends... and that i can really enjoy talking to.

i won't finish the school year with my job, my next semester is kind of rough, and i would have no time for it.... that really sucks... i liked my job.... but at least i enjoyed every minute of it.


Summary... new friends, old friends are lost, other friends come closer.... academics are going alright... my faith is needing me to work on it... and i am just the same person... the same fears.. the same insecurity... when will i have the guts to trust myself a little bit? i guess the insecurity and everything is what i am... there is no changing that... i'll try to trust myself more... i'll work to show myself i am worth it... and that i can achieve anything i can... if that helps, may it be welcomed... if not... screw everybody.... i kind of like being who i am now...

≈Diego≈

V for Vendetta

“Behind this mask there is a face, but it is no more me than the muscles beneath it, or the bones beneath them.”

I saw the movie today... wow... WOW! good phrase... probably would comment on it latter...