She's back....

The day i was waiting for... she's back... and i couldn't be happier... cause things start to make sense again.... my love feels again so right now... her love towards me feels so true.... and even when i only saw her for about 15 or 20 minutes... things were perfect...

So perfect, that i have to sincerly hate myself... just for having a little doubt in this time... just because i for a moment thought that maybe she won't remember me... or maybe just for thinking that maybe it was time to search for something else.... however.... fourtanetely i didn't.... and i feel peaceful for that.... cause now i'm certain that this is working... and that the time apart has just makes us stronger... just has brought us more near than ever.... and that now i trust her.... not just because it felt like the right thing to do.... and i know the reason... i trust her... because she have earned my complete heart... because she have proved me that it is possible to find someone with true feelings towards me....

I love u.... sorry if i doubted b4... it won't happen again... i promise.... i won't think of searching for something else never again... cause now i learned that i want u.... and just u.... my love, my heart, my princess

≈Me, full of relief≈

The last gift under the tree

Yesterday was my families last holiday party, which means Christmas parties are over, everybody gave his presents, everybody got presents back... The Christmas spirit was all around, and u all know the story...

For my these parties were the most expected of the year, happiness is all around the environment, the food is simply delicious, and the company of my family is always good.... However things were kind of different this year... happiness was there, but i wasn't able to feel it inside me, it appeared to be all around but too far away of being inside me... food was better than ever... but my stomach didn't want to eat as much as i will have done some years ago....

i realized of the problem the second i got home... i entered yesterday night to my house's living room, stared at the tree... and remembered what was missing.... down there.... were two presents.... a green one... and a brown one... i didn't have to come close to the presents to know who were the owners.... the second one.. from my brother to his g.irlfriend.... the first one... from me... to my princess....

i knew well that my brother would be delivering his present to his g.irlfriend today's afternoon(as he is right now) How ever.... the green one is still there... the last gift under the tree... waiting... waiting for the moment that i have expected so much... waiting for my lady to be back... waiting till next monday that feels so far away...

And u may say: "But, xmas is not just about presents.... it is to be with those u love" however i don't complain that i haven't been able to deliver the present... i am sad cause i wasn't with one of the persons i love the most... Christmas wasn't the same cause i knew that i wanted to be with some one that is still so far away.... Christmas won't happen till she's again at my side...

≈Wainting≈

The day I feared the most

Today is the day I didn't want to come... how can someone be happy when this things happen?

Ok... for ur info... tonight is grad night... me and my classmates are getting those wanted diplomas that certify we concluded successfully high school... and that we are know heading towards the adventure of college.

U most believe i'm crazy for not wanting this to happen.... well, i am certain that way in the bottom of my heart i'm happy that this journey comes to an end tonight, however... things are not going to be like i would have wanted... i dreamed of this day for years... i knew that it will come and that things would be great.... i believed that every person i cared of would be there... from my own friends... those who r also my classmates, would be there, not just happy for me, but also with the same happiness for themselves... cause they, in my dreams, would be graduating also.... and of course those friends who r not my classmates would be there... that ppl i have come to know in this years, everybody and special, that person that i love the most had to be there.... (my girlfriend)

However... things tonight won't be that way.... cause my own best friend, won't graduate... i don't even know if he'll be there at all... cause he didn't make it.... maybe kind of my fault... cause i got a hundred(highest of grades) in that very test he flunked... i mean... maybe i could have help him... perhaps if i just tried to know that he wasn't well prepared.. i could have help him... maybe i didn't pay enough attention.... maybe i am not such a good friend after all and cause of that, everything su.cks... we won't be the E.vil 4 for this day... will just be 3 out of 4...

To make things worse.... do you remember where my girlfriend is???... Oh right! she's at the beach.... having fun... taking the sun... with her family... many kms away from me.... and she's not here... when i stand up this night to go for my diploma... she won't see me... she would be so far away that everything will have no sense.... she won't be there to congrat me... she won't be there to stare at me and say: "Oh my God! he made it!..."... i won't be getting a kiss... not even a glance of her smile... i will have just a little and completly meaningless paper with my name on it...

To my best friend.... what do i have to say?.....: I'm sorry, i really am... i don't know what failed... i don't know if u r ok with me being such a selfish friend that didn't realized u needed my help... i don't know if u'll be mad... or if u'll forgive... i don't really know if u'll understand why i'm feeling this guilty.... i really don't know... i can just offer u my help... for ur comming things... what ever u need from me u'll get it..... that's for sure...

To my princess.....: u know how much i feared this day... and the day i feared so much.... arrived in a rush... arrived so fast... and your distance feels so bad... my love... i don't know how i'll survive this day without u... i miss u, honey... i don't know what will happen tonight... i really don't know how it will all happen.... but i know u won't be there... and it hurts... cause i love u... cause i always pictured this day with everyone around me... cause u r the only person i wanna hug tonight after the ceremony.... i love u... u know it...

And that's it.... tonight will come... no matter what... i guess i have to comfront it.... with whatever strenght i have...

≈Depressed me≈

I found the heroes

Since September 16... i ve being wondering around... in my search for the new heroes of nowadays... those that along with Spidey are capable to teach something to kids with their actions, with their humanity... Today... i'm coming back from the movies... with a great smile in my face(Hey! that my girlfriend is out of town doesn't mean i can't spend some time out... after all i went with my sister...) Well... the smile is basically generated by the Disney/Pixar Alliance... and there... i found the heroes! Yep... who would have thought about it? Now heroes don't come from afamed hero companioes like Marvel or DC comics... they come from classic cartoons and 3D Animation.

For noone should be a secret now that I am talking about "The Incredibles", the new movie from Disney/Pixar. And my happiness relies in the fact that this family of superheroes show us a little bit of humanity, of choices in life that will affect our future... combining it with the difficulties of living like a family in these days.... The characters descriptions through the movie and the extraordinary plot would keep anyone captive... A great movie indeed... much more than what i expected...

Thank u Disney/Pixar! for having myself convinced that no matter what happens with oldfashioned heroes... there will always be some new heroes to take that role that every kid needs in his life....

My sincere recomendation: See "The Incredibles"!

≈Astonished Incrediboy≈

She is at the beach

Here i am... without her... again... my precious lady is away... in the beach... having the time of her life... having fun, surronded by her friends... hearing music in a disco and dancing the way i love her to... So far away... and i feel incapable to bear this distance... i don't understand how i am able to be without her..... it feels empty all around... it feels lonely... and nothing is the same...

Today... i look up to my best friend... with his g.irlfriend in Netherlands always.... and he is able to enjoy every second he can talk to her... just wondering how it would be like to be with her for a sec.... and he lives with it.... and i am here... crying for a ten day separation... it feels s.tupid... Darkchild, Teufel... i admire u both... keep up with it

≈Lonely me≈

Fitting in the "Perfect Son Ideal"

Hey! This days have been kind of special... mostly for my parents and family i guess... Many successes have happened in my life. Aparently i most be kind of a genius or something... because i got two excelent grades in college applications(just the UCR and ITCR, nothing international) in the UCR i made it into the hundred best scores, and in the ITCR i had something that should be around the 30 best.... also i got a hundred in a very important math test, and in all the ther subject tests i got scores higher than 90... which gives a great overall score....of about 95,64% of the total overall grade... (This tests are the ones that we take in CR to know if u passed high school or not)...

Ok this should be great news... and i'm not thankless... but i'm kind of scared... cause all these things make my parents think that i'm kind of the super-son... the one that will never bail on them, and that will always have excelent grades... it's kind of scary... i mean... i believe i'm good, but will I be able to fit the perfect son ideal for much...? Will my actions prove to my parents they are right or will I dissapoint them? Maybe next year i won't be able to remain such grades in college... maybe i won't be that perfect after all.... cause u know what... after all I'm human!

hey! Maybe my parents will like me to give them a perfect son for a gift... u know... more or less like the idea of Artificial Intelligence (A.I)... they could be happy with some robot that give them all the best academic results, with it that could be perfectly fitting that part of the perfect son ideal... i could make by myself the part of the affection... hugs, kisses, good gestures, etc.. sounds reasonable for me... i mean... i can do that with no prob. Yep! I think they could like better the robot than me.. more perfect... moreover... my own brothers could like the robot also, a good e-bro that give them the satisfaction to have a genius brother... is tempting... maybe my friends could like him also, it could mean more help with their homework, tests, and studies... with no bad mood.. at all... just the need to program him to do the stuff... Hey! i'm starting to think everybody could like it better than me... maybe even i could like him better... hey what about my girlfrie..... Ok! I got to stop... i'm starting to believe a robot can do everything better than me, just cause i don't feel like filling an ideal of my parents... well u know what... i won't fit into it... they got to understand that... cause the time will come when i will bail to all of those who i care of... and if they don't like that.... they are completely wrong!

≈Not-robotic Me≈

Wanting to give up

Recently I gave math classes to some ex-classmate... hey! she's kind of nice, and also she's the girlfriend of one of my friends... I had to give her the classes as a favor to him. Ok, she flunked math in tenth grade(the one that's before the last year of high school in my country) for the second time... one can imagine she may be kind of d.umb... but for my surprise she understands absolutely everything, she knows the needed formulas, she knows the first step to be taken into every kind of problem her teacher could ask her... but!!!!!! she doesn't know how to end... never, failing always in the same errors... she kind of sti.nks at clearing variables... i mean... she passes a number that is multipling to add to the other side of an expression.... and really i'm not trying with this to tell everybody that she is s.tupid... I mean... she is good... but she has awful bases...

As u may imagine I wasn't able to help her... basically three days of classes weren't enough... at least not to correct such basses... He flunked her first chance to pass the year... and when something like this happens and its ur first try to be a teacher in the subject u like the most.. u start to think.. and that happened to me... Am I good enough to help somebody?... i mean... with this in my historial as a teacher... why should somebody else trust me to explain him/her math, when i failed to Priscila?

And this questions just brings tons of desires to give up in this.... i just need somebody.. that i can help... to feel that i can trust myself... i mean... maybe if Priscila gives me a second chance and i find myself (with more time) capable of helping her... or maybe if somebdy else gives me a chance to prove it... prove I'm good enough to help somebody... maybe then i'll trust myself to teach.... for the time being... i will leave that chance to come... and i will not search for it... cause for today i don't trust me... maybe later i will be able to help things... but... for now.. i'll wait for somebody to ask for help...

≈The untrustable math teacher ≈

The Hobbit

I've being reading lately... yeap... from time to time i like to read... u'll find it funny if i tell u i've being reading a book i've already read two times before.... i can't help it! i just love J.R.R Tolkien and i've being reading again "The Hobbit"(and i'm reading it in spanish... sorry for those who don't like translations...). Ok, i'm reading a children book... yeah! and i like it! who cares what they think? Ok... the point is that the book has given me this time new things to think... and thus to write.

I guess most of those reading this should know a little bit of the story... if not.. here's a short summary of the plot: The story is about this hobbit, Bilbo Baggins, who as most Bagginses like to be at home and not to have any adventure. However he has some genes of other big hobbit family called the Tuk.. who enjoy having a little adventure from time to time... This hobit is encouraged by the well-known wizard, Gandalf the Gray, to go in an adventur with thirteen dwarfs that are going to the Lonely Mountain to reclaim their treasure from the dragon Smaug, but are affraid of making the expedition alone cause they are 13 and the number is of bad luck. Well mostly that where i can get without any spoilers...

Well, i'm thinking.. what if I'm Bilbo? (Well i guess that for http://www.chriswetherell.com/hobbit/Default.asp i'm more like: Fastolph Trample of Woody End, but i guess u get my point) What if i'm just too emotionally bounded to my house and my stuff and i'm not wanting to take the risk to go outside and see what the world's got to offer? What if i'm loosing a 14th of an enormous treasure? what if have no Gandalf in my life to encourage me, and i have to encourage myself and be my own Gandalf? yeah i'm getting existencialist over a children book... any problem with that?

Well... if i am... i don't know what to do.... i guess i'll get stucked waiting for this incredible adventure to show up and give me the chance to take it.... after all it took Bilbo several years to take his... maybe he wasn't ready b4.... maybe i'm not ready yet... maybe it will come... after all i guess i'll wait here... in front of my pc as always.... wainting... with the patience of a hobbit... as i'm inside myself... small to these world... small to what happens around me.



≈Fastolph Trample of Woody End≈

Poetry 2

Time

In this night I write...
I write waiting for the time,
the time when i can see you eyes
when i can feel your lips

i wait... wait in my silence
surronded by my own thoughts
i want to see u
i want to be with u

My universe, so long are
these hours of the day,
these seconds, heavy like rocks...,
this time without u

Feeling kind of nerd

Hey I'm human!!! I don't get it! How is it that i got such an awesome grade in this particulary important test? ok ok! some people say its because i'm too smart... but i really don't think so... i'm lazy... i didn't get prepared for that thing how is it that i get a 95% of the total grade? I'm not trying with this to say i'm bright or something.. just to say... i'm quite confused... when i became such a brainy....

Not much to say though

Love

I found love... i found it, even when i don't deserve it... and i'm happy... i guess i already said that... but it is also useful to say it again... i found it in an expectacular g.irl... a g.irl that moves me to whatever place she wants to... and it's difficult for me to express such an extraordinary feeling with ordinary language... with ordinary words... And it is that I am so happy when she is around... i can't hide it... cause she is amazing... and she is with me...

Ari, this is just for u... for the g.irl of my eyes... for the g.irl that represents everything to me... for the g.irl i'm affraid to lose.... for u my princess... my world!

Happiness

I do know how could i be happier than in this moment.... I really love this time... I love everything that is happening... no matter how stressful my life can get through this days... when more important tests r coming(This year every test seems to be important...and they don't seem to end), and I could be all stressed up... however i'm not... everything is just so great.... i can't hide the smile in my face... cause there is someone... someone... that makes me feel special.. makes me feel loved.. makes me feel alive again.... yeah that u! u the perfect girl.. the perfect woman...

Definitevely.... i was right... when i said that Maybe someday... and even when i didn't expect this to happen so soon... i'm not happy.... i'm more than happy

Effort

What's when u r defeated? is it that u r just stu.pid? is it that u r the one uncapable of beating all those guys that won? Is it that u can't do enough effort to break all the barriers between u and success? I believe effort gets u where ever u want... even between competition.... even when there are lots of people putting their effort to get to the same goal that just a few ppl can get to... And some friend of mine showed mr this days that when u r the one that putted the most effort to something ur surely going to get to the goal... yeah! she wasn't as good as many of those guys in the competition but she did it to the first six places.... Congratulations Alicia!

Yep! she did it.... and i didn't.... i used to be one of the best ones... now i'm just one more of the bunch.... i guess maybe with some effort i could have reached one of those six spots of glory... however i didn't and nothing is to be done now..... i'm kind of sad... but i know that inside me i'll always be among the best.... and with some effort... i'll get to demostrate that in the future

Competition

Its incredible when u think u must be one of the best in something… put it whatever u want…. And u walk forward with all your confidence just to find that doesn’t matter how good u r… there will always be someone better than u in that something…. Maybe they r better because of pure effort…. Maybe just because they r better. And u come to notice that this world is full of competition… and that u will never be that person that is known to be the best, the one and only best.

When u think of this maybe u’ll start thinking what the purpose of competing is… and maybe u’ll get to the conclusion that everything is indeed so s.ucky that there is no reason to continue…. And there comes that stu.pid phrase that u should only compete with urself… and some bunch of c…. more…

I know that i’ll never be the best… but i will never get to the point of feeling i should compete with myself… I don’t know how… but i’ll compete with those noticeably better than me… and I’ll make all my efforts to beat them… cause there is no point in not trying…. And cause i know that i can do it… i can beat them…. And i will!

When things end...

I'm getting kind of melancolic today.... it's kind of special... today was my last high school-style test... at least coming directly form my highschool, just some more coming next month that will decide weather or not thirteen years were worth it, but whatever... Things are concluding... someone told me once to enjoy this time, cause its going to be the best of my whole life... however... today i see how things are ending, and i come to think: "Did I really enjoyed this years to the point that they will be called eternally as the 'best ones' in my life?" In that case maybe my life will really su.ck from now on.... cause i really know i enjoyed them... i met many special ppl... my best friends... those who have supported all my decisions... some special g.irls that have made me feel special from time to time.... but i don't really know if i enoyed the whole situations of high school so much.

I just know one thing, and it is that maybe because of fear, maybe because i really enjoyed it, I don't really want things to end... not now at least.... however they r ending... i've got one more month, and that's it.... game over...

My purpose: Enjoy this month!!!! make it the best month in my life no matter what... enjoy this trip to the beach with high school ppl... enjoy the parties that will come... enojoy my last academic efforts... enjoy the company of my friends... so that i can remember this as the best days in my life... and so that experiencies to come can be good... but not as good as THIS month!!!

So, let's Enjoy!!!

Confusion...

It's being quite a while since the last time I wrote something, I guess I've being quite busy lately... But i'm back.... i hope nobody missed me :P....

Ok, so what is with the girl that used to be with u(u know what i mean....).... and comes to u after about a month of the eternal "let's try to be friends"-fight and says..."hey we need to talk about us"? What does that mean? Then... she says... "oh! I send u an e-mail(which didn't arrived by the way)... i've got to tell u something really important... but i couldn't write it..."

But that's not it.... she says: "Oh, it's something good, don't worry... but we can't talk today.... let's wait about a week..."

I mean... doesn't she understands that i'm getting kind of confused with her.... i still like her a lot... i mean... feelings doesn't go away... and what she says makes me think too much.... and in the end... i'm all confused once and again...

When courtesy tends to s.tupidity

Hey! Last night it was party night for me and my class. We went to this freezing place(i guess it was about 15ºC..... i am not able to make the convertion right now... so u guys do it.... quite a bad selection for that kind of party... but we couldn't ask more to the s.tupid guys that organized everything). Party was great for the first minutes.... everything was nice... cold beer, music and other stuff filled environment and we were having fun.... or at least most of us... it was then when I decided to leave the dancing part of the party to go and check what was happening in the other room. As I entered everything was clear... this was the section were the d.runken a.ssess were.... All that people I have never cared of... (or I have cared too little for it to matter) were in the most pathetic states of ethylic intoxication.

I got to admit that seeing some of these people in that state was fun... but seing some others wasn't... because maybe they were nice to me... or just because i knew them enough to know that they weren't happy to be seeing in that state... or just maybe cause I cared a little for them... or maybe more than a little...

Well, the point is that in the end... I had to help some of them.... and it was just because i felt to... well, one of these persons that moved me to help them was this g.irl, i guess i have only talked to her like five times in my whole life... but i really like her... well she was there... a little bit drunk, crying because of someone she really loves, and completely freezing because of her little non-sleved shirt. Then I came to think: "Hey! it would be nice for someone to give his sweater/jacket to her, since she really needs it more that most guys around here." D.amn! I was one of those guys who really didn't need it. Ok, it was clear: for pure courtesy i had to give her my jacket, and so I did.

WHAT IN THE BLUE H.ELL WAS I THINKING!!!!! I MEAN THAT PLACE WAS FREEZING, IT COULDN'T BE COLDER FOR THE PLACE WE WERE ON.

Right, sometime after that I saw she was alone.... I went to her.. I huged her to let her know I was trying to support her. Sometime after she realized she had my jacket and that even though I was freezing I was there with her. She asked for a friend of her to get her a blanket, and she gave me back my beloved jacket.

The whole point is that, why are we men just that s.tupid from time to time to give up things we need to somebody else? I mean... i am not saying it was wrong, or that it wasn't nice... or that I didn't felt good to be nice to her... but we got to admit it was kind of s.tupid

However... my own nature perdures... I'm the nice guy... the one that is "s.tupid" enough to give someone he cares of what they need even when it means he has to do a sacrifice for that.

Perfection

How could you describe perfection? Is it just the absence of errors? Is it something achievable? Is it possible?

No perfection cannot be described.... No, perfection isn't the absence of errors, even though I don't know what it is exactly. No, perfection is not achievable, perfection is imposible. As I said it is a complete illusion that cannot be achieved.

I know really little about perfection....However... there are somethings I know:

Perfection is perfection. Perfection is an illusion. Perfection, as any other imposible thing, is to be wished. Perfection is a girl to her lover's eyes. Perfection is in every moment of our life. Perfection is music. Perfection is Mathematics.


Wish for the imposible!

Poetry

For some reason I didn't want to write on how I'm feeling today... maybe it isn't the right thing to do when one feels like this.... However... it results impossible for me to leave this feelings behind... So... I find myself writing this... for a special person... and I know that person knows that this poem is for her....

Maybe Someday

Maybe today our paths will not meet,
Maybe for today nothing can be,
It could be that for now I love you,
and you love somebody else.

But,

Maybe someday I will look into your eyes
Maybe someday I'll give that desired kiss
Maybe someday I'll feel those lips I've dreamed of,
Maybe someday, I'll make u love me.

Maybe... someday.

An element called Remorse

I am the kind of person that screw things really well and then comes to himself and in my own thoughts I feel really guilty for things I have done. I have wasted entire weeks thinking of how stupid I can be for not doing things the right way. What is wrong about me? how could i have such a conscience that stops me from doing things I really want to do, just because I think that maybe they r incorrect?

I mean after all I am human... why can't I accept that I can make my own mistakes and learn from them? I guess I just ask too much from myself, I want me to be perfect, even when I know perfection is just an illusion that is completely unachievable.

I guess I'll always be the nice guy, the one that is completely incapable of playing dirty to someone cause he will end up sufering for his actions. And this, all cause of that fuc.king element of my own nature... Remorse....

Where are the heros?

Back when I was a kid, i use to see up to those great heros in the TV screen. Those that tried to teach us something with their actions. However... I see kids now adays and i really find hard that they can find those heros in cartoons anymore. I mean where are those x-men that fighted for being accepted in a society that sees them as freaks when they have enough technology to hide their external appareance? (i refer clearly to this techfull watch that Nightcrawler uses in X-men: Evolution) I mean... from my point of view this comes to a simple no sense. Or is there a hero in a person like HellBoy?

This means that after all... those great cartoons that lead me through my horrible childhood are not in the favorites of kids. I remember seeing the original X-men series, or the wonderful F4, and many other great series(mostly Marvel, i guess i don't really like DC so much) , however i don't see how kids get the impression of these great characters through the fu.ucking refabs we find in TV these days.

I could write of many other heros that are now dishonored by their new images.

However every rule's got an exception. And in this days we can see a hero, that little shrine of hope for today's chilhood. My respects for that guy: Spiderman!

Wish for the imposible

How would life be without dreams? How will it be if everytime you think that it would be nice for something to happen... u just come to think: "No.... that could be nice.. but it is imposible for it to happen..." And then u leave it there.... no more thoughts on it... no more dreams on it.... I shall confess that I thought like that some time ago... but i was depressed all day.... i guess two or three more days with that attitude will have drived me directly to suicide.

New ideas came in that days... what the fu.ck makes that imposible?.... what if it is just my lack of self steem? What if it is just that I think its imposible......? maybe it was posible after all.... Maybe a little effort plus a 100% attitude.... could lead me to that goal... to that dream....

After all that.... a for quite a while since then... i have just a phrase in my mind....

Wish for the imposible!

This is me

I'm just me... i just want to be me, even though i don't really know who I am. In few words i am a freak... and I am proud of it. My ideals... i can think of three...:

1. Wish for the imposible to happen
2. Everybody should be a freak in his/her own way, that gives us originality
3. U got to love something.... in my case there is one thing and one special person... but that's not important.

maybe the last one is kind of stupid... but in certain way... it's my way of living.... take the way u want.... but i love math, music & computers.... that doesn't mean i'm a complete looser!!! u know what? i have a life!! after all...

I know how boring this is.... but its just an introduction.... nothing will be like this ever again... it's a promise