- Sometime after May 2008 the guy that introduced me to blogging stopped being my friend, so that's interesting....
- i'm now a Ph.D student at the University of Florida :) which is a great success; though it also means i no longer live in Costa Rica, which is kind of weird...
- i'm still single and very much unsuccessful love-wise.
- i'm doing my best to deepen my faith.
Now down to business:
I've had many love stories in my life, good ones, bad ones, platonic, imaginary, unreal.... all of them. However, there is always that person you always remember as been the perfect match for you. It's no secret who that person is for me, for anyone that knows me at least a little bit. A long time ago, we were together, and it was the best relationship I've ever been in; however, we were young and the relationship got too serious for us to handle, and it just didn't work out; and we decided we were better off just being friends. Getting there wasn't easy, but we did it [with our ups and downs for sure].
After that, we both dated other people, and the friendship got weird [at the very least for me]. About four years ago, she had a bad break up, and little after that it all started... I guess we were both confused, going through tough times, and we started blurring that line that defined our friendship. A silent deal was sealed. Something that we both would keep for ourselves. We still cared for each other very deeply, and we were both single, no harm was being done [or so we thought].
Every time, I started feeling something for someone else, I would talk to her, and break the deal. However, none of those relationships stuck, and soon after, we would go back to it.
The big game changer came later, about two years ago, when I was accepted for grad school; my life was about to change. What did that mean for us? Well, first of all: distance; perhaps enough of it to actually make me forget her. Second: new people in my life, which might include someone better for me than her [which sounds awful...]. Anyway, the deal.... was there until i left... then, i decided to leave all that behind; it was time to move on.
For a while, I thought all this was just ancient history, however, every visit to Costa Rica brought back the deal... no way around it... my feelings for her were still there, however, for the most part I only felt it was at best a good time for her, so every time I got back to the US, the determination to put it behind me resurfaced.
This all changed on my last visit. We had trouble finding time to hang out; but we did. We were in my house, just talking. She looked so beautiful, that i knew i was not going to be able to resist. I knew she was sort of dating someone, so I had to ask, "it's casual, nothing formal, and it's going nowhere" she said, we both knew what that really meant; but I couldn't kiss her without letting her know how I really felt for her, so I decided to just tell her. I looked straight into her eyes and said "You know that if I could chose from all women in the world, I would definitely choose you.. no doubts about it." and I kissed her, and for the first time in a long time, that kiss felt real.... She then looked at me, and asked "How much longer until you are definitely back?" and reality was back in...
Distance gave us perspective, helped us see how we felt, and yet, the same distance is the main reason why it won't work. Irony.
February 14.... Saint Valentine's Day.... a day when simple gestures actually become big statements.... I could go for one of those, just a simple call would mean soooo much.... however, what good would it make? it's still impossible... it will continue to be for the next 3 to 5 years.... no.... no good in calling... for one, she has her valentine, the relationship that was "going nowhere" is still going... he will never feel that way I do about her.... and she knows it.... but there's no point to it... and also, i'm starting to feel free again... i feel ready to start caring for someone else, and a call would also be a huge step back.... yes my sanity requires me NOT to call... and to move on....
Sad.... but true.
≈My sanity≈
