The true meaning behind your work

I work in a crowded lab. Seriously, we are probably the biggest research group in the department, and we only have one faculty member. Thus, my advisor turns out to be a very busy person. However, he does make sure to spend a good amount of time with each of us, and encourages us to share some of the advice he gives us to other people in the group. (I guess that’s the way in which he manages to save sometime not having to repeat the same story over and over again).

This sort of dynamic makes us a very unique group: We share a lot and have very good friendships among all of us.  

The other day, one of the most senior students was telling us about one of his discussions with our advisor, regarding someone from another university that had seek some help from our research group a couple of months back: let’s call him John. Turns out John is about to graduate with his Ph.D. this Fall, and seems to be very grateful for the help we gave him by allowing him to use some of our resources for his dissertation work. This is pretty awesome. However, the discussion between my advisor and my friend was about the amount of work that went into John’s dissertation, and the importance of his contribution to the field. Turns out, John’s work, while interesting and meaningful, is far less that what we would consider acceptable even for a previous work section of a dissertation proposal, less so, for an actual dissertation. 

So, my friend, who is probably graduating this Fall as well, came to my advisor just concerned about how there is a lot of variation between research groups, and between universities, in terms of how much work is required for you to get your doctoral degree. What my advisor said about it was really impressive, to me at least. He said he knows that he really pushes into doing lots of work, and that having him as an advisor is not easy at all. He said, that he just does that because he believes that when you go out there, to the “real” world, your work’s got to speak for you, and the fact that you went through this graduate experience in this research group in particular is going to mean something. He said that the day that he allows work like John’s to be considered enough for a dissertation, that will cheapen the experience for all of us, and that is not fair. 

True, we do complain about the amount of work and the stress that we have to go through to survive our own graduate school experience. However, what my advisor said reminded me that, in the end, people are going to look at my work and know that it actually means more than whatever degree I get for it. Or at least that’s what I want to believe.

≈ Diego ≈

Let's make a toast: "to the future!"

It's been a while since I've felt this way...

It's not every day that you realize that everything you've been looking for was just there all the time and you just weren't able to see it. It's not every day that the woman you had a crush on, suddenly demonstrates she's felt the same way from time to time.... It's not every day that you blink and suddenly find yourself living in (sort of) a romantic comedy.

It all started about two weeks ago.... spontaneous... as the best things in life usually are... I happened to be home, and she extended an invitation for ice cream for me and my guests... the evening was incredible and ended up in a long hug, just outside my house. It was a perfect moment by itself, just the night of my beautiful country, me and her... my closest friend.

I got lost in her eyes, as I tried to figure out what was on her mind... she had a confession to make, but she didn't really need to put it into words... I could feel it.... we knew it wasn't smart.... that, she did say.... but we couldn't help it... I softly passed my nose across her cheek.... just barely let the tips of our noses meet.... and for a second we both doubted again... but the second was over, and the kiss was imminent.... it wasn't the first time, but it certainly felt as if it were... it was amazing and it had it all... the expectation, the desire, the caring... it was all there... a new chapter had just started for us....

At first, we just wanted to play it cool, not thinking too far ahead... stay in the moment, enjoy it. Don't let it spoil the friendship that we had rebuilt after previous failures in the same department... not let it spoil the amazing friendship that we have.... but this time was different... for both of us... it went slow, but we found time to see each other again, and again, and again. Each day taking it as a first date, each kiss being like a first kiss... each kiss better than the last... each hug more real... each look more melancholic.... until it was impossible to ignore what was coming ahead... it was impossible to push aside the fact that I live in another country... it was impossible to not realize that it could not be... not just yet...

We refused to see it though. We couldn't see it end as I went back to where I live... (Even if that place will never feel like home)..... We gave each other some time to think, consider if long distance was an even an option, if it was worth it... of course it was... but no, it couldn't be... she made the decision, but I'm sure I would have come to my senses soon enough had she not.... but it wasn't a "goodbye"... no.... moments like that are difficult to forget... people like her are difficult to find.... feelings like that are unique.... this was much more of a "see you later".... this was a turning point in our friendship.... one that gave us perspective of what it could be like... how amazing it can become... how crazy we were for not understanding what was always there.... and yeah.... we'll continue to be just friends... even if we know 'just friends' doesn't really cut it.... even if we know it's not exactly enough.... but it will have to do for now.... now, we know how amazing our future can be if we manage to save these feelings we have right now.... I know I'll hold them dearly... keep them safe.... I hope she does the same... and for now, I can only hold my glass up high, and say: "to the future!", while I do my best to get there as soon as I can.

Now it's time to go back to reality, back to my grad work.... lots of stuff to do... lots of stuff to think...

≈Hopeful≈

Omega Male

A few nights ago, some friends invited me dancing. The club we were going to was supposed to be playing salsa music that night, but that turned out to be more of a techno/electronic music mixed with some reggaeton.... (which I am completely comfortable with, even when it's not exactly my scene).

While dancing, I noticed how easily I ended up being out of the dancing circle.... I was rarely in the circle for more than a minute or two, couple of people moved, and suddenly i was just behind someone as the circle closed in front of me. It would take a while for someone to notice I was being left out, and that person would usually try to open up the circle... make space for me, but not long later the same thing would happen.

I was okay with this. But why?? shouldn't it bother me? shouldn't I want to feel as an important part of the group?

My first answer to these questions was that after my experiences as a reject for most of my school days, not being an "important" part of the group is just what I am used to. However, my college life as an undergrad was pretty awesome, people were a lot more like me, and I was part of that group everyone wanted to be a part of (if they didn't, then it was just their loss). You would think that after such amazing experiences, this situation might bother me... no, this wasn't a good answer...

Then, I started thinking what is my role in this group. How am I part of it? simple: I am the outlier: the Costa Rican (or the not-"american"), the grad student (the Ph.D. student on top of that), the shy one, the one with the worst English, the fat one (yeah working on that, but still), and many more. Sure, there are other hispanics (but almost everyone was born in the US), there are a couple that are not exactly in shape, but I seem to be the point that was far away from the mean in just every metric you could think of. Perhaps this being okay with the situation cam from this, just knowing I am the outlier and shaping my expectations around it. However, at the same time we share so much... we are all Catholic, and have shared so many amazing experiences in the last year. Yes, the truth is even when it might look as if I am an outsider, I DO feel part of the group. No, this one wasn't the best reasoning either.

Next, I thought, well why would I want to feel as an important part of the group? Do I really want to be the center of attention? Something inside me felt everyone wants to be in that position, specially men... our instinct wants us to be the Alpha male, the leader, the one that has a say on what we do next, the cool guy that is always in the circle.... but, do I really feel that way? Not really.... actually I hate that position, I couldn't be further away from that.... I started thinking more in detail about that, and finally decided well, maybe I am an Omega male.... I thought that sounded cool and wondered for a second if anyone had come up with that yet... This was a good answer, I decided to take a look at it when I got home. (Perhaps it would be a step to getting to understand myself better, and God knows I could use that...)

So, I googled it. Of course there were a LOT of results.. (and that was quite expected... I'm no pioneer in psychology or anything....) I looked through some of them...

The urban dictionary one topped the list. While, I understand the reasoning behind it, I don't really feel I am THAT omega male.... specially when it came down to the weird examples at the bottom... or the fact that the omega male "knows" he is "better" than the alpha males... no, that's not me....

Next, I checked the definition on wikipedia, knowing it was going to be to "factual", and probably wouldn't cut it for me... it certainly didn't, as I am certainly NOT "the lowest caste in social hierarchy".... (perhaps my self-esteem is indeed improving after all lol)

Then I checked this page which describes 5 signs to know if you are an omega male, and by that I think they meant a stereotypical loser/geek... not, not me :) I might be a geek indeed... but none of those 5 really represent me...

Suddenly, I realized there was even a Charlton Heston movie by the name the Omega Man, of course not sure what the movie is about, but I am pretty sure it won't be the definition I was looking for lol.... (I might watch it later and perhaps add my opinion...)

I checked many more.... but after a while, I realized that the definition I could relate to wasn't going to be there... it is most truly inside of me... and it's going to be a journey to define exactly what it means to feel like an "omega male", what it means to be "the opposite of an alpha male"... Sure, there are parts of that definition that I can easily define right now....

* It means NOT to be the center of attention....
* It means to feel okay being an outsider....
* It means to be way better on smaller groups, better at one on one conversations...

and I can also define points that come from other descriptions that are not what I mean...

* It doesn't mean I'm a pushover...
* It doesn't mean I'll be the last man standing...
* It doesn't mean I'll be happy being a reject again...
* It doesn't mean I'm a loner and will be happier working on my own....

I like the term, I think I'll stick with it, but the definition.... the definition needs to be my own... the one I still can't put into exact words, but I'm sure I'll understand it better as I continue in my journey...

≈The Omega Male≈

To call or not to call.... that's the question

It's been a while.... quick update on my life:

- Sometime after May 2008 the guy that introduced me to blogging stopped being my friend, so that's interesting....

- i'm now a Ph.D student at the University of Florida :) which is a great success; though it also means i no longer live in Costa Rica, which is kind of weird...

- i'm still single and very much unsuccessful love-wise.

- i'm doing my best to deepen my faith.

Now down to business:

I've had many love stories in my life, good ones, bad ones, platonic, imaginary, unreal.... all of them. However, there is always that person you always remember as been the perfect match for you. It's no secret who that person is for me, for anyone that knows me at least a little bit. A long time ago, we were together, and it was the best relationship I've ever been in; however, we were young and the relationship got too serious for us to handle, and it just didn't work out; and we decided we were better off just being friends. Getting there wasn't easy, but we did it [with our ups and downs for sure].

After that, we both dated other people, and the friendship got weird [at the very least for me]. About four years ago, she had a bad break up, and little after that it all started... I guess we were both confused, going through tough times, and we started blurring that line that defined our friendship. A silent deal was sealed. Something that we both would keep for ourselves. We still cared for each other very deeply, and we were both single, no harm was being done [or so we thought].

Every time, I started feeling something for someone else, I would talk to her, and break the deal. However, none of those relationships stuck, and soon after, we would go back to it.

The big game changer came later, about two years ago, when I was accepted for grad school; my life was about to change. What did that mean for us? Well, first of all: distance; perhaps enough of it to actually make me forget her. Second: new people in my life, which might include someone better for me than her [which sounds awful...]. Anyway, the deal.... was there until i left... then, i decided to leave all that behind; it was time to move on.

For a while, I thought all this was just ancient history, however, every visit to Costa Rica brought back the deal... no way around it... my feelings for her were still there, however, for the most part I only felt it was at best a good time for her, so every time I got back to the US, the determination to put it behind me resurfaced.

This all changed on my last visit. We had trouble finding time to hang out; but we did. We were in my house, just talking. She looked so beautiful, that i knew i was not going to be able to resist. I knew she was sort of dating someone, so I had to ask, "it's casual, nothing formal, and it's going nowhere" she said, we both knew what that really meant; but I couldn't kiss her without letting her know how I really felt for her, so I decided to just tell her. I looked straight into her eyes and said "You know that if I could chose from all women in the world, I would definitely choose you.. no doubts about it." and I kissed her, and for the first time in a long time, that kiss felt real.... She then looked at me, and asked "How much longer until you are definitely back?" and reality was back in...

Distance gave us perspective, helped us see how we felt, and yet, the same distance is the main reason why it won't work. Irony.

February 14.... Saint Valentine's Day.... a day when simple gestures actually become big statements.... I could go for one of those, just a simple call would mean soooo much.... however, what good would it make? it's still impossible... it will continue to be for the next 3 to 5 years.... no.... no good in calling... for one, she has her valentine, the relationship that was "going nowhere" is still going... he will never feel that way I do about her.... and she knows it.... but there's no point to it... and also, i'm starting to feel free again... i feel ready to start caring for someone else, and a call would also be a huge step back.... yes my sanity requires me NOT to call... and to move on....

Sad.... but true.

≈My sanity≈