What has happened? what's wrong with this world? how is it that in my mind i tried to decide my feelings and ambitions with a simple and binary question? 0 or 1? it's incredible how people go for zero so much... was Arianna right when she said i missed placed what each answer was supposed to be? or the real problem of all was to let other ppl decide for what i feel or i should do next...? Maybe zeros and ones aren't really important... no person can take this decision... is a problem of just two persons... no matter how we put it.. what everybody is got to say to me i should take it just as advice... just as a new way of looking to this problem... but should not be in any way the base for a decision...
You know.. i think that i finally found what is making me look angry or dissapointed to her... and i found is not angry... is not me full of resentment and stupid feelings that i know won't get me anywhere... however it has made me look serious indeed... and the whole thing is that i'm concerned... i am asking now to myself to my own being if a relationship can stand such a big problem coming to them so in the relationship that this is the time when our relationship has being more of a fight that of a happy relationship... maybe if i had had the chance to talk to her before.. the situation wouldn't be this way... but the fact is that it is... maybe cause i have been busy.... or maybe just cause i can't find the answer....
I know i want to be with her... i don't mind if many peolple have said zero... i don't mind if some of them are sure that that's the way stuff should be... just end everything... but i don't want it... i just don't know... how our reltionship will go on... if after all we continue together... would i have illusion again? will we go over the problem and be able to left all behind(and by all i mean ALL)? will we be able to talk in full confidence again...? i know of stuff i want to tell her.. but would they be enough to renurish our relationship? i don't know...
Maybe i'll just get the answer by trying... but will it be worth it if things turn up to be wrong? i don't want to end up again as i have ended in all my relationships... i don't want to cry for another girl... i just have cried for too many of them... and i remember everymoment that made me spill tears for them.. i remember almost two years ago... crying cause Juliana had ended our relationship,... in mid school hall... trying to run even from my friends... trying not to be seeing.. i also remember being in my house and reading words that came from the beach... with Silvia Guillen telling me that she had kissed one of my classmates and that she was over me... i remember... the feeling... i remember the tears... and also i remember that moments in Arianna's terrace(i remember it so lively that i couldn't go near it today... i just didn't want to feel that again), when for the first time i saw that neither her not me wanted to break up, but she break up with me and we both cried... and i we kissed all teary, knowing that those were our last kisses... i remeber each of those tears... for everyone of them... i know the feeling... i know it and even now i can feel it... and those feelings are so live that i.... i am certain now.. that i am affraid of getting hurt.... shame on me... i know my history... i feared it not when i started with that girl 3 years younger than me... i feared it not when i went behind some girl with the bad reputation of liking to be with more than one boy at a time... i feared it not when falling in love with my best female friend that had a boyfriend... and with everyone of them i got hurt... and i thought i don't care... but i was wrong.. i do care.. i care a lot now... i am affraid that things will end up that way... and now illusion isn't able to blind me of that chance... cause illusion isn't clear right now....
≈Coward Linux≈
5 comments:
Stop whining. Really. You don't like this? then, walk away! Do it! Don't think about it! Just *do it*. Then you'll start noticing that you deserve being respected!
Anyone who reads the blog will notice that this has happened several times. So, think about it... what are *you* doing wrong? Not the world.. you! When you find out, then, fix it! And that's it! Things will get really better after that.
(and a clue: no, it's not that you haven't tried it hard enough. As a matter of fact, you have tried too hard. Way too much. Think about it... did this get you any results on your previous problems?).
Just my 2 cents. Hope it helps, really.
Who isn´t afraid of being hurt?
I mean, isn´t that what we thought since the beggining?
I wrote in one of my letters: "(...) por eso es q no me gusta el amor... esa arma de doble filo nos hace vivir los días más felices y tristes de nuestras vidas, ese revólver que con su pólvora marca nuestras entrañas y q no desaparecerá fácilmente, esa arma q mata poco a poco el pilar en q está sustentada mi existencia con la desconocida subjetividad. Tengo tanto miedo, Diego, (...) y el hecho de quererte tanto es lo q más me asusta."
And I risked myself, my objetivity, my coldness for the sake of being with you. And now, I had done a decision, I haven´t told you what I decided, but I´ll tell you in two days. Maybe you´re afraid of what will I say that day, but I can tell you that I´m afraid of what you will do and say, because, like everyone, I don´t like to be hurt (specially me, you know me). But I´ll take the risk, because, if you remember what I said before... "valiente no es el q tiene miedo, sino el q sabe controlarlo".
mmm I forgot...
I was listening to one of my favorites songs, and I read the lyric and found something similar (not the same, though).
Song: The Misery
Artist: Sonata Artica
I know the name isn´t very emotive, but the song´s cool.
Relationships, just like condoms, come in different shapes, sizes, colors and flavours. Also, just like condoms, you can find any kind of relationship in almost any kind of place. And, by the way, condoms and relationships involve some kind of commitment when deciding if "using" them or not. Either way, you end up screwed. Screwed 'cause it's unsafe not to use a condom, and screwed if the condom fails. Luckily, you don't end up so screwed if a relationchip fails. Take the risk, rive, you have to realize that there's nothing to lose...
My vote goes for 1. Even if the relationship fails, the experience left behind makes you wiser, and wisdom can make a huge difference in future relationships, not only with women, but with people in general. If there is something worth the try, don't try not to be afraid, try to get the strenght out of your weaknesses
The choice is yours, just rememeber that you can't conquer the sea just standing on the docks
My fellow Linux,
Everyone is afraid.
Risk inherently is the path for higher benefit --- though many times safety becomes a priority at some cost.
I just wanted to say that I love you too, you have so many things to be happy for I hope you never cry again for a girl---though I can almost bet you will. jeje.
anyways, I wish you the best of luck in learning from experience.
The higher the expectations, the more likely we are to be decepcionados.
-$cheme
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