What has happened? what's wrong with this world? how is it that in my mind i tried to decide my feelings and ambitions with a simple and binary question? 0 or 1? it's incredible how people go for zero so much... was Arianna right when she said i missed placed what each answer was supposed to be? or the real problem of all was to let other ppl decide for what i feel or i should do next...? Maybe zeros and ones aren't really important... no person can take this decision... is a problem of just two persons... no matter how we put it.. what everybody is got to say to me i should take it just as advice... just as a new way of looking to this problem... but should not be in any way the base for a decision...
You know.. i think that i finally found what is making me look angry or dissapointed to her... and i found is not angry... is not me full of resentment and stupid feelings that i know won't get me anywhere... however it has made me look serious indeed... and the whole thing is that i'm concerned... i am asking now to myself to my own being if a relationship can stand such a big problem coming to them so in the relationship that this is the time when our relationship has being more of a fight that of a happy relationship... maybe if i had had the chance to talk to her before.. the situation wouldn't be this way... but the fact is that it is... maybe cause i have been busy.... or maybe just cause i can't find the answer....
I know i want to be with her... i don't mind if many peolple have said zero... i don't mind if some of them are sure that that's the way stuff should be... just end everything... but i don't want it... i just don't know... how our reltionship will go on... if after all we continue together... would i have illusion again? will we go over the problem and be able to left all behind(and by all i mean ALL)? will we be able to talk in full confidence again...? i know of stuff i want to tell her.. but would they be enough to renurish our relationship? i don't know...
Maybe i'll just get the answer by trying... but will it be worth it if things turn up to be wrong? i don't want to end up again as i have ended in all my relationships... i don't want to cry for another girl... i just have cried for too many of them... and i remember everymoment that made me spill tears for them.. i remember almost two years ago... crying cause Juliana had ended our relationship,... in mid school hall... trying to run even from my friends... trying not to be seeing.. i also remember being in my house and reading words that came from the beach... with Silvia Guillen telling me that she had kissed one of my classmates and that she was over me... i remember... the feeling... i remember the tears... and also i remember that moments in Arianna's terrace(i remember it so lively that i couldn't go near it today... i just didn't want to feel that again), when for the first time i saw that neither her not me wanted to break up, but she break up with me and we both cried... and i we kissed all teary, knowing that those were our last kisses... i remeber each of those tears... for everyone of them... i know the feeling... i know it and even now i can feel it... and those feelings are so live that i.... i am certain now.. that i am affraid of getting hurt.... shame on me... i know my history... i feared it not when i started with that girl 3 years younger than me... i feared it not when i went behind some girl with the bad reputation of liking to be with more than one boy at a time... i feared it not when falling in love with my best female friend that had a boyfriend... and with everyone of them i got hurt... and i thought i don't care... but i was wrong.. i do care.. i care a lot now... i am affraid that things will end up that way... and now illusion isn't able to blind me of that chance... cause illusion isn't clear right now....
≈Coward Linux≈
Saturday, October 22, 2005
Wednesday, October 19, 2005
Reassoning over guilt and self-respect
Life has a curious way of punishing ppl for what is consider to be wrong by society... you really don't think about it so much until you suffer the consequences... sometimes mistakes are made with out any intention, however some extrange force wants you to feel that all the possible guilt is yours and only yours.. Once you are in this terrible state of remorse and you feel like the biggest crap in all this little and pathetic world, you go past your self-steem, your own pride and self-respect... and you destroy yourself, asking for forgiveness... feeling that is the only way to bring things back to normal... and thinking that maybe, just maybe... when they are right again, you'll be able to recover all that stuff that you left behind to get forgiveness...
It's a natural process, speacially when it involves things that you care a lot about, or ppl that you really love... and it is natural to go, and forget all about yourself and give the reasson to this disastrous parody called "world" that we live in... just in order to get rid of the problem, because you know that you can't handle things as they are... you just can't.. even when you fell no guilt...
However, sometimes that world, just laughs at your desperate atemp.... it just feels sorry for you being so ridiculously stupid.... but has no remorse in making you feel even worse... and destroying everything that is left from you...
It's true... since last friday i have asked forgiveness, i don't feel that i am the only one having to do it, but i decided that if it wasn't for me there will be no way around my problem with that person... i formally asked forgiveness on friday.. i formally asked forgiveness yesterday... but i can't do more... i have decided not to do more... i just did all humanly possible without going over my own dignity.. if i have some of my former selfresect, and selfsteem... i'll retain it... i won't go lower.. i don't deserve anybody treating me like this... or threatening me with coldness... i don't care if lose that person who i love... i don't really care right now... she just is too stubborn... and won't accept my apologies no matter how poetical or beautiful or sincere i make my words sound.... no she won't having begging... and this is my final decision.... if she doesn't accept my appologies so far.... or my one last try... that would come some of these days... she will lose me... with no turning back.... and God knows that i can't do more.....
≈CRC 4≈
It's a natural process, speacially when it involves things that you care a lot about, or ppl that you really love... and it is natural to go, and forget all about yourself and give the reasson to this disastrous parody called "world" that we live in... just in order to get rid of the problem, because you know that you can't handle things as they are... you just can't.. even when you fell no guilt...
However, sometimes that world, just laughs at your desperate atemp.... it just feels sorry for you being so ridiculously stupid.... but has no remorse in making you feel even worse... and destroying everything that is left from you...
It's true... since last friday i have asked forgiveness, i don't feel that i am the only one having to do it, but i decided that if it wasn't for me there will be no way around my problem with that person... i formally asked forgiveness on friday.. i formally asked forgiveness yesterday... but i can't do more... i have decided not to do more... i just did all humanly possible without going over my own dignity.. if i have some of my former selfresect, and selfsteem... i'll retain it... i won't go lower.. i don't deserve anybody treating me like this... or threatening me with coldness... i don't care if lose that person who i love... i don't really care right now... she just is too stubborn... and won't accept my apologies no matter how poetical or beautiful or sincere i make my words sound.... no she won't having begging... and this is my final decision.... if she doesn't accept my appologies so far.... or my one last try... that would come some of these days... she will lose me... with no turning back.... and God knows that i can't do more.....
≈CRC 4≈
Friday, October 14, 2005
Bronze
these past two weeks have being probably the two most rough weeks academically in my whole life. I really wanted so much to been writing as i am right now, but i was barely sleeping and had really no time for myself. But finally i have some days freer and i am writting... for now i'll transcribe something i wrote 30th of September. At that time i was sitting in a little living room in Hotel Caribe, in Boca Grande, Cartagena, Colombia.
Experience at OIM(Olimpiada Iberoamericana de Matemática or Iberoamerican Math Olympic) was great, every country gave something of their culture to the fascinating contest, everybody wanted to paint the frame with thunique colors, everybody expected the best from their country.
As you get the big minds of all over Iberoamerica, you realize they are not far away from regular people, they are latinamericans, just as everybody the whole other bunch i get to know in my own country, people completly fond of parties, and alcohol and just wanting to have fun. They are just the same as those guys i saw i highschool and thought of them as idiots, just moronic entities that lived for and from liquor, however these guys had one big diference, that they have brains, and that made them get an easier time into joining them with the party and of course with the alcohol.
The first days however passed without any party, everybody was trying to get focused on tests, nobody wanted to play stupid and loose the chance of having some reward for their unique talents in mathematics. That's how the first days were just eating, swimming a little bit, getting to know the beach and particulary the hotel, and also scanning for those that were known as the most dangerous competitors. Also i had to meet me roomies, the Nicaraguans, cause my delegation had only two guys and rooms were for 4 people, so they putted me in with them and my friend Alejandro was with the Panama ppl.
Well that's how i went to do test with her wings with me, thinking of her at each second, knowing that her whole support was the key to my inminent success, wheather it was just getting one point, or getting a medal and everything. I went Tuesday to do the first test, i was so frustated, first problem, a system of equations in three variables, my favorite type of problem, however even when i tried hard to get it right i couldn't(later i realized the error had being a stupidity), i went to the second and third problem and they both looked completely imposible, number 3 i didn't know how to start... so i left it behind and started looking at number two.. number theory, well one subject i like but even there it was a little bit complicated.. i couldn't believe i was going out of the first test without my desiered point. i desperatedly ask for permision to go to the bathroom, i needed to clear my mind and focus.. as i went out i saw the line for the bathroom was incredibly long.. and realized i had no time for that, so i thanked the girl that was going to make sure i didn't copy while i was on the bathroom and said i rather go and continue with the test. As i came back i saw some thoughts i had written in my second problem, and realized that finally those were making sense.. and guess what i saw the solution... all there, i had just to make some few more lines.. and it was done... inspired by God, perhaps, or perhaps by her wings, just with me, in my back, making me a little closer to her condition. None of the other two i couldn't solve them, however i went outside happy of myself knowing that i had embrassed my own honorific mention over there, and that it was better than everything i had expected.
However, when i sat to check solutions with my teachers, they told me that it was going to be hard to get the seven points but that they would try it the best to show the jury that my answer had all the posible cases.
Then i went on Wednesday to the second test. problem six was impossible! i didn't used any of my time in it. problem 5 was geometry, and i decided then to go to four. And i got it out, or at least i thought i had it. but i had made an stupid mistake and ruined my solution. Then it was the team test, and my team was Nicaragua 4, two Cartagenan kids and me... it wasn't that good, we did nothing.
That night was bad, i knew i was going to have problems in getting my seven for number two, i was getting a maximum of 4 points in number four, and any other point that came out from my erasers from other questions will just be that made a maximum of 10, or 11 points. That wasn't good enough.. just a mention that was not certain and a chance of having a little more if everybody else had made a fool of themselves. i was depressed... all the way to Colombia and not getting more than some points was according to my expectations, but it also felt dirty. I just especulated a bad result, and saw those guys, those minds playing and being happy around an old friend of mine, one that could follow me to anywhere. I remembered the bottle of Malibu i had bought, and went over there. Drinking just to feel sorry for myself. It was a bad idea, i combined too many alcohols. Stupid me, it made me feel sick the whole morning and afternoon, maybe she was right, she always is...and in that moment i thought: " what about joining her in that anti-alcohol campaing.... ? " and i realized it was finally the first good idea of that whole night...
Well, thursday was not at all bad, after feeling sick, and sorry for myself, I managed to go visit the most wonderful city of Cartagena. OMG! It's beautiful!, it really has a great charm, and enjoying it with my team and Angel (officially perfect gold, Mex 4. Extraofficially CRC5! ) was just the best experinece ever.
As our tour ended we went back to the hotel and found everybody making great conversations over their final scores. Expeculations were minimum points for bronze 15, for silver, 22, ad for gold 36 out of 42. Which was a shame, cause i knew my best score was around 10 or 9 points, and i started thinking if it could be posible my tutors managed to get my 7 points from problem two, which would have meant honor at least, but even when we searched everywhere, there were no signs of neither of them. Around eight in the night we found them!, however they didn't wanted to give us our results until the medals were decided... that meant like half an hour more of desesperate wait, however they told me i had honor before entering the meeting... and i was at least happy for that.
We were so nervous! Then they were out, at least 20 hours after my awful ethylic stage, with the news CR's results were 3 bronze medals and one honor, no names yet. Since I was so frustrated with myself i thought i was the honor and felt really happy for them. Then they said: "María sacó honor!"(María has honorific mention) and i couldn't make the connection, i was too happy just for having honor achieved, but after they said: "Alito, Alicia y Diego sacaron bronce!" (Alito, Alicia and Diego got bronze medal!)
I couldn't believe it!!! Bronze international medal when i didn't get a medal at last years final. Wow! Bronze! so happy, so happy!
It was weird, cause i was really happy for my team's results, we did much more of what we expected, and maybe even more of what was expected from us, however it was upsetting to know that Alito was the best bronze of the whole competion but he got no silver... and knowing that María was one point from bronze was also devastating. However, we managed to be happy and celebrate in middle of the hotel, with everybody staring at us as if we were crazy!
Closing act was so great, some boring speeches and then what i had dreamed of, for all my life, the biggest feeling i have ever experienced, just going in front of 84 contestants of 22 countries and getting recognition for my effort, getting my bronzer!. I am such a happy person, the happiest person in the world, however knowing that my results could have being a little better, knowing that i got some stupid stupid errors, but i was happy.
≈Costa Rica 4≈
Experience at OIM(Olimpiada Iberoamericana de Matemática or Iberoamerican Math Olympic) was great, every country gave something of their culture to the fascinating contest, everybody wanted to paint the frame with thunique colors, everybody expected the best from their country.
As you get the big minds of all over Iberoamerica, you realize they are not far away from regular people, they are latinamericans, just as everybody the whole other bunch i get to know in my own country, people completly fond of parties, and alcohol and just wanting to have fun. They are just the same as those guys i saw i highschool and thought of them as idiots, just moronic entities that lived for and from liquor, however these guys had one big diference, that they have brains, and that made them get an easier time into joining them with the party and of course with the alcohol.
The first days however passed without any party, everybody was trying to get focused on tests, nobody wanted to play stupid and loose the chance of having some reward for their unique talents in mathematics. That's how the first days were just eating, swimming a little bit, getting to know the beach and particulary the hotel, and also scanning for those that were known as the most dangerous competitors. Also i had to meet me roomies, the Nicaraguans, cause my delegation had only two guys and rooms were for 4 people, so they putted me in with them and my friend Alejandro was with the Panama ppl.
Well that's how i went to do test with her wings with me, thinking of her at each second, knowing that her whole support was the key to my inminent success, wheather it was just getting one point, or getting a medal and everything. I went Tuesday to do the first test, i was so frustated, first problem, a system of equations in three variables, my favorite type of problem, however even when i tried hard to get it right i couldn't(later i realized the error had being a stupidity), i went to the second and third problem and they both looked completely imposible, number 3 i didn't know how to start... so i left it behind and started looking at number two.. number theory, well one subject i like but even there it was a little bit complicated.. i couldn't believe i was going out of the first test without my desiered point. i desperatedly ask for permision to go to the bathroom, i needed to clear my mind and focus.. as i went out i saw the line for the bathroom was incredibly long.. and realized i had no time for that, so i thanked the girl that was going to make sure i didn't copy while i was on the bathroom and said i rather go and continue with the test. As i came back i saw some thoughts i had written in my second problem, and realized that finally those were making sense.. and guess what i saw the solution... all there, i had just to make some few more lines.. and it was done... inspired by God, perhaps, or perhaps by her wings, just with me, in my back, making me a little closer to her condition. None of the other two i couldn't solve them, however i went outside happy of myself knowing that i had embrassed my own honorific mention over there, and that it was better than everything i had expected.
However, when i sat to check solutions with my teachers, they told me that it was going to be hard to get the seven points but that they would try it the best to show the jury that my answer had all the posible cases.
Then i went on Wednesday to the second test. problem six was impossible! i didn't used any of my time in it. problem 5 was geometry, and i decided then to go to four. And i got it out, or at least i thought i had it. but i had made an stupid mistake and ruined my solution. Then it was the team test, and my team was Nicaragua 4, two Cartagenan kids and me... it wasn't that good, we did nothing.
That night was bad, i knew i was going to have problems in getting my seven for number two, i was getting a maximum of 4 points in number four, and any other point that came out from my erasers from other questions will just be that made a maximum of 10, or 11 points. That wasn't good enough.. just a mention that was not certain and a chance of having a little more if everybody else had made a fool of themselves. i was depressed... all the way to Colombia and not getting more than some points was according to my expectations, but it also felt dirty. I just especulated a bad result, and saw those guys, those minds playing and being happy around an old friend of mine, one that could follow me to anywhere. I remembered the bottle of Malibu i had bought, and went over there. Drinking just to feel sorry for myself. It was a bad idea, i combined too many alcohols. Stupid me, it made me feel sick the whole morning and afternoon, maybe she was right, she always is...and in that moment i thought: " what about joining her in that anti-alcohol campaing.... ? " and i realized it was finally the first good idea of that whole night...
Well, thursday was not at all bad, after feeling sick, and sorry for myself, I managed to go visit the most wonderful city of Cartagena. OMG! It's beautiful!, it really has a great charm, and enjoying it with my team and Angel (officially perfect gold, Mex 4. Extraofficially CRC5! ) was just the best experinece ever.
As our tour ended we went back to the hotel and found everybody making great conversations over their final scores. Expeculations were minimum points for bronze 15, for silver, 22, ad for gold 36 out of 42. Which was a shame, cause i knew my best score was around 10 or 9 points, and i started thinking if it could be posible my tutors managed to get my 7 points from problem two, which would have meant honor at least, but even when we searched everywhere, there were no signs of neither of them. Around eight in the night we found them!, however they didn't wanted to give us our results until the medals were decided... that meant like half an hour more of desesperate wait, however they told me i had honor before entering the meeting... and i was at least happy for that.
We were so nervous! Then they were out, at least 20 hours after my awful ethylic stage, with the news CR's results were 3 bronze medals and one honor, no names yet. Since I was so frustrated with myself i thought i was the honor and felt really happy for them. Then they said: "María sacó honor!"(María has honorific mention) and i couldn't make the connection, i was too happy just for having honor achieved, but after they said: "Alito, Alicia y Diego sacaron bronce!" (Alito, Alicia and Diego got bronze medal!)
I couldn't believe it!!! Bronze international medal when i didn't get a medal at last years final. Wow! Bronze! so happy, so happy!
It was weird, cause i was really happy for my team's results, we did much more of what we expected, and maybe even more of what was expected from us, however it was upsetting to know that Alito was the best bronze of the whole competion but he got no silver... and knowing that María was one point from bronze was also devastating. However, we managed to be happy and celebrate in middle of the hotel, with everybody staring at us as if we were crazy!
Closing act was so great, some boring speeches and then what i had dreamed of, for all my life, the biggest feeling i have ever experienced, just going in front of 84 contestants of 22 countries and getting recognition for my effort, getting my bronzer!. I am such a happy person, the happiest person in the world, however knowing that my results could have being a little better, knowing that i got some stupid stupid errors, but i was happy.
≈Costa Rica 4≈
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