Why can't I smile?

Things are horrible... i feel so akward in my inside, not knowing what i really want... not knowing exactly why i feel this way... i just know it started last saturday.... when i realized i have this important test next saturday, and that it can define whether or not i'll make one of my greatest dreams to come true... i really know that i want to make it happen, and i know i used to have the potential to be there... I just believed in myself back then, but now things are so close, and competition is so close, i really stopped believing in myself.... i started thinking if i am the good student i used to be... or if i'm just the biggest of frauds.... maybe i wasn't that good... maybe being last year's fifth was just an illusion... was a piece of fiction my mind created to cover my own failure.... really don't know...

Man! and things got worse.... lsat sunday.... at this party.... i knew it was like my last chance to spend some quality time with my loved Ari, and i knew i wanted to enjoy things at my best... to as sociable as possible, to make sure that she enjoy herself better, just because of my presence... and maybe she did... but maybe she did not.... i am not the guy that becomes the center of attention at a party, i realized i'm not the guy that makes everyone to enjoythemselves... things were different.... i just was there... observing.... how timed passed... and every second was enjoyed not because of me... but because of the presence of others..... and i am not even thinking that she is not loyal to our relationship.... I believe in her, much more than i believe in myself right now... but things were so weird that the question appeared in my mind: "Am i the right person for such a beautiful, joyfull girl? Is it just right for her to be with me?" The answer never came... and i'm still waiting.... and reasson to know that things are the way they are because of a reasson, some reasson i will never have... i don't know why will someone pick me.... why will such a gorgeous lady will just take the time to look in my direction.... and i am starting to think that i'll never find an answer... i know that she won't give to me.... maybe there's no reasson, and things just happened leaded by chance....

After the party, after not being the guy i wanted to be there.... i realized that i won't see her in the right circumstances in the next two weeks.... and i'll bearly will have time to talk, cause she is in partials at high school... and she won't give up her study for anything..... she has not even time to express her feelings to me....

Also things at college aren't so great.... i just can make things rigth.... maybe is this horrible mood.... maybe i wasn't that brigth after all....

And here i am... writing, lonely... full of thoughts around my head.... sad indeed.... and with noone at my side to see how i'm feeling.... no one to tell me that i'm worth it... that i have something good at all.....

≈Smileless face≈

Am I become antisocial?

Wow... definitevely this is the longest time since last setember that i have so much without posting anything... i mean it's being almost a month.... i even feel weird while writing... i hope this one is good enough to make the gap feel smaller....(damn college!)

This month has being a little bit busy, many work and things feel kind of overwhelming, the new world of college has started to feel (as it should be) heavier that high school stuff, and have consumed almost all my time.... i feel that i have abandoned everyone, my friends, my family and also my girlfriend... and around all this i have only managed to take few moments for them, however something inside me feels that it isn't enough... i mean.... i saw my high school friends last sunday, but before that we hadn't see each other in almost two months.... and that's Hell lot of time!...

With my girlfriend things are diferent, even if i haven't seen her much these days, it has being cause we both have being busy, and i only managed to take an afternoon to help her and her friends studying.... and my God... it's not the same... :'(... I really miss her..... hope that soon we both can manage to take a while to be with one another for an hour or two....

However, all this make me think.... that maybe i have become a study centered organism, someone with any social life.... imagine i can't even remember when was the last time i got out of my house to see a movie, or just to hang at some restaurant... Maybe i am becoming boring and people has all the right not to spend their time with me cause i make things unbareable....

Maybe, i'll try to do something this weekend.... next week i can't.. got this huge test :S... here i go again...... and that make me think that this situation (and me) is definitvely:

≈Hopeless≈